slow suicides

next to the broken

bits of bones

felled out of “the” closet

a they/them

confession

She commonly licks her lips, clisp

She says, “So…and…clisp, but, clisp…whatever, clisp breathes

You know, so, clisp, we were going to use the taxes for a television.

uh…uh… clisp

necessity, oh shit! clisp…anyway, yeah-uh

clisp, I love you too, clisp, so anyway.

She giggles and sings “I do it my way!”

I have to take my pills

and set the coffee pot. clisp

Oh crap! My mind is going.”

She genuinely chuckles, clisp

Buh-bye Dear.

(I hear the capital letter of the Dear)

Relentlessly the clouds abide

A breeze chill with arctic airs

put on like a fancy ladies bride

a book of songbirds prayers

a saint’s knees are beatified

A bless-ed state of affairs

He intonates the neighborhood’s

cacophony

choruses multitudes in imitation

the lightest of sainthoods

Everything good and harmless in the world

sits in the Mimosa tree

singing “Nobody knows I love you.”

Her crown now of silvery floss amass

Reciting rainbows like holy stained glass.

Her bones cast spells with a dip of her hips

Her confidence emblazoned on her lips

The joy of becoming the remembrance of whom

the stars chorus the beat of her womb

I suspected her dead

the juvenile red bird

like points on a compass

flat lined in every direction

She blinked, turned her head,

last of her lines blurred

She allowed me pass

Hastening me to genuflection

placing her gently abed

My love for her undeterred

It is her path from us

Her death in retrospection.

It’s been a year since I walked out of my house and into my life.

Before I moved down here to Tennessee, I had no idea what in the world I was doing. I found myself scrounging for attention from friends and family alike. I became like a neglected child. I behaved like one. I withdrew, became angry with myself which caused a downward spiral https://maremartell.com/2019/09/04/wrong-door-right-place/. But then this https://maremartell.com/2020/10/21/life-at-this-point-latp/ happened,

I went down for a visit at my friend’s invitation. I spent the next few weeks dealing with laughter, love, joy, friendship, and light. Even with the loss of a young friend that I’d known for many years, I felt baptized, renewed, invigorated, but most of all, I figured out how unhappy I was living in a house where love used to live. I started to question where I was in my life.

I was at my house in Michigan for three days when I decided I couldn’t do it. I told my husband I was moving back to TN at the beginning of February. By February 22nd, I’d moved into the cutest little house. I took a deep breath and dove into the current. I decided that no matter where the river flowed, I wasn’t going to get stuck in a calm pond. I NEEDED to be with the flow of energy I experienced around my spiritual community and deep friendships I’d formed. I’ve hit some rocks, but I’m still loving the life I’m living.

I’m happy helping people. I started working as a Personal Care Assistant immediately upon arrival and have yet to find something I like doing better. Except maybe being a EOL Death Doula. Yes, I’m still interested in that. It’s currently cost prohibitive for me to make the tuition of either of the programs I’m considering. I want to at least be certified by INELDA or the University of Vermont (non-credited course). https://www.inelda.org/certifications/ or /https://learn.uvm.edu/program/end-of-life-doula-at-uvm/end-of-life-doula-certificate/

It’s a pipe dream of mine. I have no choice but to create my own life. Honestly, I waited for there to be more for a long time. I didn’t believe people when they said I could make my own choices. I thought there must be a catch or something. I dared not hope for any better than I settled for. I had to heed the wisdom of those I KNEW loved me and wanted nothing but the best for me. I was encouraged to explore the world again. If I would have realized how unhappy I was, I’d have made the choice to leave sooner rather than six years into an emotional drought.

But even as I write this, I’m thinking of tomorrows working schedule and how very happy I am that I jumped into the river of discomfort and found my life again; Waiting where I’d left off believing in myself.

As I stomped my feet and applauded

I cried with joy, relief,

and hope for a United States of America

I took a breath and spoke my truth

I witnessed heartfelt gratitude

She made me feel like a leader;

Like I was the bravest person in the world.

I felt immortal, invincible but most of all,

like I had a safety net if I went overboard.

She made me feel like risks were worth it.

I felt as if my blood became steel, my muscles rocks

my warrior’s battle cry rallied her support

When we fought any battle, we’d win.

At least we’d tell each other that fairy tale.

The tree in my front yard houses a Mockingbird*

Buried deep in the brush, the nest is guarded by

A steadfast male in a nearby tree branch,

kamikaze dropping on robins**

That are all puddled together sucking worms from the earth

Disrupted only when they get too close to the border

(*State Bird for Arkansas, Florida, Tennessee, and Texas)

(**State Bird for Connecticut, Michigan, and Wisconsin)