It’s been a year since I walked out of my house and into my life.

Before I moved down here to Tennessee, I had no idea what in the world I was doing. I found myself scrounging for attention from friends and family alike. I became like a neglected child. I behaved like one. I withdrew, became angry with myself which caused a downward spiral https://maremartell.com/2019/09/04/wrong-door-right-place/. But then this https://maremartell.com/2020/10/21/life-at-this-point-latp/ happened,

I went down for a visit at my friend’s invitation. I spent the next few weeks dealing with laughter, love, joy, friendship, and light. Even with the loss of a young friend that I’d known for many years, I felt baptized, renewed, invigorated, but most of all, I figured out how unhappy I was living in a house where love used to live. I started to question where I was in my life.

I was at my house in Michigan for three days when I decided I couldn’t do it. I told my husband I was moving back to TN at the beginning of February. By February 22nd, I’d moved into the cutest little house. I took a deep breath and dove into the current. I decided that no matter where the river flowed, I wasn’t going to get stuck in a calm pond. I NEEDED to be with the flow of energy I experienced around my spiritual community and deep friendships I’d formed. I’ve hit some rocks, but I’m still loving the life I’m living.

I’m happy helping people. I started working as a Personal Care Assistant immediately upon arrival and have yet to find something I like doing better. Except maybe being a EOL Death Doula. Yes, I’m still interested in that. It’s currently cost prohibitive for me to make the tuition of either of the programs I’m considering. I want to at least be certified by INELDA or the University of Vermont (non-credited course). https://www.inelda.org/certifications/ or /https://learn.uvm.edu/program/end-of-life-doula-at-uvm/end-of-life-doula-certificate/

It’s a pipe dream of mine. I have no choice but to create my own life. Honestly, I waited for there to be more for a long time. I didn’t believe people when they said I could make my own choices. I thought there must be a catch or something. I dared not hope for any better than I settled for. I had to heed the wisdom of those I KNEW loved me and wanted nothing but the best for me. I was encouraged to explore the world again. If I would have realized how unhappy I was, I’d have made the choice to leave sooner rather than six years into an emotional drought.

But even as I write this, I’m thinking of tomorrows working schedule and how very happy I am that I jumped into the river of discomfort and found my life again; Waiting where I’d left off believing in myself.

As I stomped my feet and applauded

I cried with joy, relief,

and hope for a United States of America

I took a breath and spoke my truth

I witnessed heartfelt gratitude

She made me feel like a leader;

Like I was the bravest person in the world.

I felt immortal, invincible but most of all,

like I had a safety net if I went overboard.

She made me feel like risks were worth it.

I felt as if my blood became steel, my muscles rocks

my warrior’s battle cry rallied her support

When we fought any battle, we’d win.

At least we’d tell each other that fairy tale.

The tree in my front yard houses a Mockingbird*

Buried deep in the brush, the nest is guarded by

A steadfast male in a nearby tree branch,

kamikaze dropping on robins**

That are all puddled together sucking worms from the earth

Disrupted only when they get too close to the border

(*State Bird for Arkansas, Florida, Tennessee, and Texas)

(**State Bird for Connecticut, Michigan, and Wisconsin)

I feel my sisters in the water

My brothers in my blood

Generations of daughters

Ages of the son

Deep my roots in faith I praise

Lift my heart in sages grace

Unity in voice and phrase

Bless our hearts that beat to pray

Whispering beneath hope

Remembering the deep scope

of infinite possibilities

impossible responsibilities

Cherished magic alight

Warmest days and hotter nights.

The dip and glide of your hips, smoothing a patterned homage

The kisses that engulfed me were ever present; generously offered.

Touches became craved, breath became new life, as a baptism

I believed in the magic we created, equal to equal, of one mind

The sword and shield were presented

with blissful harmonies resplendent

Intimately hidden bubble of opportunity

God and Goddess, Blessed Be

Magic ricochets a woven web

half truths, well meaning said

Belief in love generates sharp fears

of rejection; of a thousand tears