Category Archives: Ridiculousness

Soft Graffiti

There is a shop in Oak Ridge, that has the best setup for this joke.

Calamity’s Coffee and Baby Razzleberry

The Spot
The setup
GREAT SCOTT!
PUN-ishment

Totally worth it. considering this was the first appointment I learned a lot, and I can hardly wait to play another PUN-ishment!

Confidential

For the first time in my adult life, I am wearing a tankini with a big fluffy skirt over it and my belly is hanging out. I didn’t go swimming, but I am wearing my swimsuit. At first, I was a little nervous, but then I trust myself in the confidence of a balding, middle-aged man who is talking about his Jesus and how women need to be submissive. And I’ve walked around town, not giving a fuck.

Born to Shine ✨
Inner Joy turned on high!

BTW: Today is my Bestie’s birthday. I’m celebrating her in all her wonder. She is so very human and so authentic to her spirit it would be the biggest challenge not to admire her.

Every bit as real in person

I’m an animal!

I started out as a Mare

A pirate loudly aging

But I soon became an otter

Clinging to my people

Handle to handle

I turned into a fish

Overturned yellow tube

This was unintentional 

I scaled rocks 

Ducking under a sunken branch

Finally back on my trusty steed

I was a floater

Landing in dead pools 

With big rocks and shallow water

Butt’s up was flowing over

Rapids that jostled rapidly 

Happily lapping at the shore

Without good position,

I transmogrified into a T-Rex

Short little arms no water could reach

Neither could any feet 

I magically became a turtle

Floundering on my back

Finally in the flow again,

Mostly sunny haint blue skies with

Partly cloudy wispy white

Lava-floe sun shrieking hotly

A hawk and a turkey buzzard

Circle the sky at different altitudes 

I think out loud, “Ah, what a metaphor for my life.”

Chaos ensued, shenanigans had,

I laughed at myself in genuine mirth

I essentially stuttered downstream 

One challenge to the next victory 

How deeply grateful am I to learn

How I move in the depths 

And handle the shallows 

Ending up beached; engineering solutions 

As I concluded the journey 

I reverted and emerged, once again, Mare, but better for the experience.

HNBR: Day 6

As we prepare to conclude our vacation, there is much that I need to chaw on for a while. Here are some highlights:

My Aunt Lizzy is one of the most beautiful women I know. Fresh from caring for her yard, she lives up to her shirt.

I couldn’t love this picture or I might explode.

This was our last hug before we left. What a treat to be with those hearts!

This naughty lady, bedecked in a pride collar and a satisfied expression had to be wrangled back into her home after taking advantage of friendly greetings and an open door. Ruby is a good girl.

My dad is on his front porch doing dad things.

My mom doing her thing.

Pegs and Jokers was introduced by my Aunt Helen and Uncle Lou a couple years back to my Rents. My mom and dad raved about it sharing how much fun they had. I got it for them for Christmas the same year. Tonight was the inaugural playing. My dad won.

Very intense concentration
Switched to Yahtzee! Old school box with the rules still in it. My dad got a Yahtzee, but Jen wiped the floor with all of us ending up with THREE Yahtzees!
She is the champion!
Dad came in at #2
Mom was a close #3

And then…

Last cow home.

8am comes a return to our regularly scheduled programming. This has been incredible. Lots of information to digest and process before I can sort through this beautiful, wonderful, farted up life. Bless this holy water..

HNBR: 2/4/1 Deal, Travel and Tears

Hokey Jalapeno! The night of the 30th was shredded by my inability to sleep because I was so danged excited, my client kept calling me then hanging up for two hours, and the torture of last minute pack it or you’ll forget it type of things. If you’re an ADHD person like me, last minute is the best time for us because it forces focus. It is for me anyway.

DAY ONE

However, 7 AM rolled around on the 31st leaving me no choice but to load up the suitcase I packed last minute with the cleanest clothes I could find that were weather appropriate. I pulled into Madam President’s driveway exactly at 8AM. We loaded up, said see ya, and drove north.

As we sat at the stoplight to turn north on I-75, Jen the Bestie captured our start into the wild.

Jen and Mare in the car heading onto 75N.

The Welcome Center just over the Kentucky State Line. It appears there used to be a large golden horse on an empty base, but all that’s left is this little fella. We look like cartoon charicatures of ourselves in this one.

Obligatory awesome. That’s Jen.

This my version of keeping the baby quiet.I really appreciated the spirit of the day. The frivolity of youth in the hands of ridiculous wisdom of an aging Mare.

The skyline peeled off the steep grade like it was a curious city. It asked the question of me, “What could you give to contribute to the welfare of this city?”

Then it forced me to sit in a poorly designed parking lot that went from four lanes, down to three, down to two, down to one.

The first of the reductions, I dawdled a bit getting over safely into the next lane for the first one, but I quickly figured out that the earlier the better, but granted grace to a few people who just learned the same lesson. By the third one, My Abide was struggling. We were all on the same road, just trying not to be there. I granted grace to a swastikkkar and a white honda. The fourth and final reduction, I decided I just wanted to get where I’m going.

A short cab box truck decided to be a last minute Lucy. He started easing over into the lane I was using. I blew my horn continuing with my resolution. He had to slide behind me. I’m pretty sure an entire flock of that pretty middle bird were flying past my window like arrows that couldn’t find their mark.

Pure Michigan is their welcome sign.

I enjoyed the weather reports for the most common destinations found in Michigan proper. This picture was hard to capture. I’m just a bit shorter than Jen. I was on my tiptoes to her flat-footed. We were about to laugh so hard we were crying real tears of joy. We didn’t know.

My Mom, Linda, and my dad, Dave, are the testament to our arrival safely at their home. Andiamo’s Pizza is freaking top hat.

DAY TWO

This is my favorite shop when I visit my Rents. They even have doggo sundaes. Of course I got one for my boyfriend.

I like that this picture shows sweet and salty at the same time.

The Rents and my boyfriend awaiting their treats.

They all said Sis. Every last one of them. Today I’m William and Jen is Laura according to our coke options.

If you want to hear more about the story behind the title, let me know in the comments. I’ll tell you the story that gets the most requests in a 48 hour timeline. The possible topic titles are:

  1. Subpar Subway in Love, 2. Our plan for Climax (MI), 3. Adventures in Membership, 4. The Meeting of the Republicans

High North Bestie Roadtrip

The Mackinac Bridge as seen from the lower peninsula looking towards the upper peninsula. Lake Huron is in the forefront.
The Mighty Mac, aka The Mackinac Bridge

As dawn breaks tomorrow morning, I will be heading north with my bestie in tow. We’ll be staying with my “Rents”* for a couple of days, then heading up to St. Ignace, MI where we will catch a ferry over to Mackinac Island for the Lilac Festival. We’ve got a mighty trip planned, but, as with all things in my life, I’m just going to Abide.

I plan on taking you with me, so if there’s something that catches my fancy, be prepared to learn, experience, and share this incredible vacay (First in five years that wasn’t for work!)

*”Rents” is short for paRents

Bob’s backyard

Just after shooting this video, a goldfinch joined the party. A red-bellied woodpecker also came to enjoy the offering of black oil seed.

Bob returned home after 6 months of being gone. He’s in such a good mood I had to scrape him off the ceiling with a spatula. My Beastie and I moved everything out of his apartment and back to his house.

Mocha enjoyed a pup cup today with deep passion.

It was all over her face.

In other news, last year I asked to do an art installation in the local park frequented by people who walk, run, stroll, etc. on the paths. The city said no, they don’t allow any kind of signs along that pathway in the park.

I sent them samples of the signs I wanted to place. Like “If you’re here, you’re awesome!” “You’re amazing!” “Keep going, you’ve got this!” “You are loved.” But they still said no. That irritated me enough that I made and gave out over 300 1” buttons that said, “Be L❤️ve”.

Although that sated my thirst for a bit, I wondered if I was thinking too small. Turns out, I was!

As part of the Stewardship drive at my church, anyone who pledged for the year got:

I didn’t have permission to post this person’s picture so I disguised 🥸 them. But the SIGNS!

I designed them with a bit of editing and encouragement from my Bestie (Jen Stark suggested Live Joy) and input from Lóre Stevens (Create). Now, those signs will be all over my city all because I was told No. HA! Each one a stake of rebellion and I’m bursting with joy!

You can order here

Suicidal Hotdog

We went to The Greens for my dear friend Steven’s birthday party.

The we is my friend/client Bob. He was a bit reluctant to go, but he quickly learned that people he’s known forever were in attendance. He and I had pizza, soda, birthday cake, and quite a few laughs.

Steven was absolutely charming as always. I was so glad I got to spend time with him outside of church. I wore the snazzy jacket he made which made people gush, then gasp in disbelief when I told them who made it. I think both of our egos were well stroked.

The reason I mentioned the suicidal hotdog is because of this:

Who thought it was a good idea to make a hotdog beg for you to eat it? Notice his eyebrows. I know it’s a he and probably designed by a man, because:
The weiner is bigger than the bun! Let’s not even talk about the fashionable socks and shoes, okay?
Bob wore the perfect shirt to make this photo happen by pure kismet. It made me giggle something awful. Note the ejaculating mustard bottle in the hotdog’s other hand.
…which entirely makes THIS picture even funnier. What can I say? I have the humor of a 12 year-old boy.
The front of Bob’s shirt also says “Bite Me” which is from a bait shop he went to years ago.

My people were all there. It was delightful fun. The music was quite a mix from several decades. Trivia was to be played later in the evening but Bob and I went back to his house so he could shower and do his evening routine.

I’ve been staying with him since last Thursday morning when Covid hit where he was staying. This has pros and cons, my being here. I miss my solitude, but I love the adventures we’re having. He’s funny, smart (although he commonly talks badly about himself which irritates me), and, like me, has the humor of a 12-year-old. I’m okay with that.

You are so very loved. I am so very loved. Fuck the world’s bullshit. Love is ALWAYS the answer.

WORST HOLIDAY ALBUM EVER!

[DARK HUMOR ALERT]

As we enter the holiday season, there’s a new album that’s dropped and it’s AWFUL! I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything worse than this. Whatever you do, don’t listen to any of it. You’ll instantly regret it. The Hits keep coming.

At The Speed of What The Farts (Radio Edit)
Winter GTFO

  1. Dead Starter Blues
    a. Sample Lyric: “Gonna take everything in my account, have to empty that dog out.”
  2. Dying Dog (Euthenasia)
    a. Sample Lyric: “She’s thirteen years old and blind as a bat, she can’t hear her name and she’s fading fast.”
  3. Bed Bug Boogie
    a. Sample Lyric: “I got welty itch from my head to my toes, that’s how the bedbug boogie goes.”
  4. Bitterness and Regret
    a. Sample Lyric: “The ailing heart showed up at my door, catheterized on the hospital floor.”
  5. Monkey on His Back
    a. Sample Lyric: “All my cash went up my nose, what I have left is my dirty clothes.”
  6. So Many Leftovers, Nothing to Eat
    a. Sample Lyric: “I’ve had so much corn chowder it waves hello, and warms up again for another go.”
  7. Delerium
    a. Sample Lyric: “Nine days have taken their toll on his brain. He now sounds like he’s not sane.”
  8. The Boot
    a. Sample Lyric: “Broken foot, faulty hip, growing old can kiss my grits.”
  9. Never Ending Gray
    a. Sample Lyric: “My love, the sun has gone away, I hope to see it again someday.”
  10. The Darkest Christmas Tree
    a. Sample Lyric: “This tree will never win awards until I find the farting extension cords.”
  11. Presence
    a. Sample Lyric: “Stuffs wrapped and under the tree, wondering who is there for me.”
  12. Shitty Ditty
    a. Sample Lyric: “Waking up in the middle of the night, discovering my fart took liquid flight.”
  13. (BONUS TRACK) Cold Friends
    a. Sample Lyric: “They used to laugh and joke a lot, but now they’re in a wooden box.”
  14. AUTHOR’S NOTES:
    This is written in originally Comic Sans for the simple reason that it’s an awful font. Everything on this “album” has happened during the past month to me or to my Bestie.