EOL Doula

With trepidation I wait

Better too soon

than way too late

Asking answers of unskilled sight

Maybe so

Maybe tonight

Indecision holds me fast

Supportive heart

as he breathes his last

But will my service be enough

to smooth the edges

of the emotional rough?

Will I be able to be a guide

through the darkness

with my brilliant light?

Will it be enough to attend

the final hour

the welcomed end?

Liminality

I am, but I’m not.

I’ve evolved from the broken baby-steps

No more a child but rather child-like

in wonder and awe which astounds my senses

in a warm bath of spiritual baptism

that cleanses recklessness from my history

within acts of love, compassion, and kindness.

A comprehension of seeing the unseen

breathing in unison in emotional repose

Setting down the burdens haunted

at the threshold of forgiveness

where retribution crumbles bitterly

into the dust from which it was born

Unwound

I’ve been staring out the window

Waiting for the sound of your ride

But the clock kept on ticking

Wasting the hours

As I could do nothing but cry

You never came home again

Never said hello again

Never heard the sound of my pain

All of the broken bits

Scattered like shards

As I kept on screaming your name

The last words you said to me

Echoed inside my brain

“I’ll always love you.” You said.

I’m wrapped in these blankets now

Cold in this unholy shroud

Facing the three AM dread

Everyone whispers

Offers their sympathies

Telling me I will get through

But I can not listen to all of their symphonies

While I keep Pretending they’re you

Troubled Days Relieved

You try so hard and often fail
a “good” day is a holy grail
Pain and sorrow reign the hours
stealing of your personal power
Weary of the troubled world
wishing innocence again unfurled
Worry feels like a normal skin
horrid lotion on the chaotic spin
Limping through dystopian despair
Certain, no comfort, is found anywhere
Then:
A gentle connection of a caring friend
Abruptly ceases the atrocious trend
Wrapping trouble from stem to stern
Purging anguish of lessons learned
Heart to heart, flourishing peace
Engaging time bereft of grief
Hold on tight and live your life
instead of striving simply to survive
Protected in the shield of love
Uplifted strength to rise above

Grace and Mercy

Grant me grace that I may understand what is happening

to me, to my people, to my community, to the world.

Have mercy on me when I harm others

in anger, because I didn’t think it through, because I’m human.

Grant me grace to know when I have wronged someone

so that I may apologize, make reparations, ask forgiveness.

Grant them grace to know that I am human, bound to make mistakes.

Allow them opportunity and willingness to grant me mercy

so that love, like kintsugi, can heal the wound with value and beauty.

Grant me grace that I may continue to strive towards peace

Please grant me mercy when I love imperfectly or refuse given love

and the grace to admit I’m talented at doing both of those.

Victorian Conversation

Adoration
Longing for you.
You’re a flame in my heart.
Affection and Grief.
Grief and Jealousy
Let me Go.
Alas for my poor heart, My heart aches, Deep love
True love memories, Do not forget me
Everlasting Love
Blissful pleasures, Goodbye, Thank you for a lovely time
Resignation, Diffidence, Goodbye
Sadness
Mourning.

All images are found on Pixabay. Thank you to the artists who created these images.

A hobby interest

I was chatting with my friend Professor Pudgytums about things we were doing in our lives. I was creating art, traveling, and working. He was working, traveling, and picking up new hobbies.

He has done fencing, trapeze, racquetball, and a variety of other interesting activities. His latest interest is book binding. He was interested enough to share some of what he was learning.

I sent him two books I have in storage and requested he practice on them. He didn’t feel confident enough to agree, but I sent them just in case.

Then I thought about it. I have an entire library of books primarily on death and dying. I have others, but I want to learn more about a topic I’m interested in like him.

To hold a book, yes I also have a Kindle, is to feel the heft of the words, the thoughts, the desires, the emotions, and entire imagination pinned down in time by someone who didn’t give up. It’s almost holy in a way.

Wait. I have two books that I sent to someone else. Why the farts couldn’t I do that for myself? What do I need to know to do this? I asked the oracle (YouTube).

It’s involved and takes skills that are a challenge. Is it something that I can figure out and learn? I think so.

The writing for one of the books is complete and the art is being created. The second book is complete and ready to go other than formatting. Yes, I’m really going to try it. I have a sneaking suspicion I’m going to love it.

May peace be with you wherever you are or go. You are loved!

Ravenous

The soul eats time ravenously

savoring the flavors of the tempest

diving into the depths of despair

Flying with euphoric joy

Bathing in love with bubbling compassion

Filling buckets of companionship

Devouring knowledge of experiences

Exuding the light of the spirit into dark corners

Rampaging through injustice covered in battle armor

dressed in the scars of survival

Striding towards purpose

Hat out as the soul sings a song, waiting for change

Love the binding that holds tight the life

Dress for the World

The skirt swayed as she sashayed.

The exceptionally white sneakers whispered by.

The heavily colored scarf blistered the neutral blazer.

The jacket’s sleeves tattled the height of the man.

The pants creases were crisp as the autumn air.

The plaid shirt the only color besides his eyes.

The thigh high fishnets slendered her legs beneath her shorts.

The heavy black boots complimented the fashion statement.

The only pajama pants were on tourists with America emblazoned.

They were fish out of water in a sea of dressing for the world.

Day Fourty-Five, Cascais

Ten-Thirty this morning (Earlier than that but I wasn’t awake yet), Lori poked me to see if I was awake. We had a brief conversation where we discussed the plan of the day. She and Dave prompted me to choose something, but honestly, everything they’ve shown me has been extraordinary in such a profound way, I bowed to their wisdom and encouraged them to light the way.

There is a Galp petrol station in front of the marina. The woman who works there has wild curly hair that is both dark and light in a pleasing combination. She makes REALLY good espresso. That’s the meeting point. I was told to bring my laundry with me today.

The other day when I had my wreck, I grabbed the first thing from my dirty laundry to control the mess. I grabbed my bath towel which at the time was a perfect choice. However, it is my only towel which has prevented me from being able to take a shower. I have Dude wipes and some wipes called HoneyPot which have kept me at least presentable and not stinky. I’ve washed what I can, but without a towel, it has been limiting.

As I waited at the station sipping my cup of espresso (double shot), I observed a sailboat pausing at the dock below me. They were getting ready to head out. The Captain of the boat untied the front rope and gave a mighty push to the front of the large sailboat. Then he quickly went to the back of the boat and pulled the rope which forced the back of the boat toward the dock, pushing the front to where it pointed to the marina entrance. A man at the wheel obeyed the Captain’s commands, steering appropriately. Once the boat reached a safe trajectory, the Captain boarded and guided the boat out into the river. While this was happening, two other boats exited the marina, one with full sail (much smaller sailboat).

Dave and Lori arrived, loaded me and my laundry into the car and we headed off. Now, Lori told me where we were going, but I forgot which made the destination a wonderous surprise. We went to Cascais (CAS-caysh).

First we found a laundry. The roads were more narrow (I didn’t think it possible) than France. Dave navigated skillfully to our destination.

This Lavanderia, Mary Clean, was small. Three washers of various sizes and three dryers. It was very clean. How freaking cool is this? The washers put the soap into the wash for you! Load your clothes, pay, and your clothes get washed. What a revolution!

With time to kill, I offered food because I was hungry, they’d already eaten. I found a restaurant at the corner that had food I thought I could eat. We sat outside under giant umbrellas.

I ordered a soup and a tofu dish that came with rice. When the soup arrived, I was able to eat the broth, but not the actual vegetables. I asked the server if he could request the chef to blend the food so I could enjoy it. Absolutely. It came back with the texture of a thick oatmeal. Farts, that was outrageously good.

As Lori enjoyed hot jasmine tea and Dave was off getting his ears lowered, my entree came. Tofu, lotus root which looked like crunchy waffles, sweet potatoes, a curry sauce, and other vegetables mixed together but, I couldn’t eat anything but the tofu. I asked the waiter if he could do the same thing to the entree, which he did. Hokey smokes! It was stupendous. It came out with the texture of the rice. It was fantastic!

While I slowly made my way through my brunch, Lori popped off to put the clothes in the dryer. And again, she popped off to take them out of the dryer as Dave arrived shiny like a new penny with his spiffy haircut. We sat and chatted as I finished my decadence. I paid the bill and left tiny ducks for the waitstaff who had been so kind and entertaining.

Painted in the middle of the road is a starfish.

Lori had folded my clothes already! Man, how lucky can I get?! We went back to the car, loaded up again, and headed off to the next destination. Unfortunate event, we got a parking ticket. Abuh! But it has a QR code on it so you can pay it right then and there. That was an expensive parking spot.

As we rode through winding roads, I felt like my eyes were seeing the world in an entirely different perspective. The houses are painted in yellows, pinks, tans, cream, white, and almost all of them have terra-cotta roof tiles. It’s an incredibly pleasing aesthetic.

Dave pulled off into a parking area because they wanted to show me something. The video you’re about to see if of today and I finally got video to load from yesterday, so you get the bonus clip. The Ocean’s Music:

This is the two seaside places I’ve been taken to in the last couple of days. I can’t even.

We arrived in Cascais about 2:30 PM (9:30 AM East Tennessee time). It was similar in style to Pigeon Forge only the buildings were definitely not Southern American. Brightly colored with wares pouring out the doors. As we walked towards the shopping area, the ocean crashed and waved hello to us. The air breezed past us with scents of a variety of restaurants, the ocean, the scent of anticipation.

We popped into the first store in search of a sweatshirt for me. We found one, but the price made me balk. Lori reassured me there was plenty more to see. I left, making a mental note where to get it if I felt the need.

Look! I’m an ice cream store!

The shops were bustling, the outdoor cafe’s were filled with people. I popped in and out of stores, browsing from the many choices. Lori suggested a shop called The Bijou which had the best hot chocolate I’ve ever had in my life. Outstanding!

I didn’t purchase anything. I saw a lot that I was tempted to impulse buy, but I had a couple of people I wanted to bring things back for. Lori suggested a small corner shop that was deceptively large. To say I went hog wild in that store would be saying too little. I was able to get the gifts for my people in sensational style. I can’t show you the pictures of them because I want them to be a surprise, but I will post them after I’ve given them away.

Finished with the shopping and trying to meet the “deadline” for Dave and Lori to return home, we hopped in the car and drove all the way down the coast. Surfers were out paddling in the crashing waves. People were swimming despite the cool air. There were kids playing beach volleyball. At points on the road, the waves hit the guardwall so violently that it splashed up into the air and onto the cars and road.

Day done, we arrived back at Doca De Belem. Warm hugs, empty bladders, sunshine brightly lighting the afternoon, we bid adieu. They gave me a gift of their presence which was more than I could ever have imagined. I didn’t know I needed it so badly, but I did. I will cherish the memories we made together for as long as I live.

Falling in love with my friends, sharing moments in a life well lived, putting down the camera and just existing in the time we had together was a highlight of my trip. Gratitude has no bounds.

“Stop being a tourist and just be in the moment.”

Mare Martell, 2023
Storms A'Brewin'
Sailboat windchimes wildly chorus
obeying the Mistress of the Winds
The strength of ropes is tested
creaking, groaning, protesting
as the waters stake ownership
A waving power rising and falling
obediently testing boundaries
Like ashes to ashes
dust to dust
the ocean claims
what it must.
Mare Martell 2023

May peace be with you wherever you are or go. You are loved!