Tag Archives: humanity

Apology

I’m asking for an apology

one I know I’ll never get

for every time you hurt me

for each of these regrets.

For every neglectful incident

for refusal to pull emotional weight

for your bitter anger towards me

for which I took the bait

For the disturbing blackmail

that you forced on me to pay

with the difference between want and need

being thrown up in my face

Abide with Life

I was sure I’d be dead by 21. I was positive I’d be married and have children. I was convinced that I would be married forever.

I’m 56 years old now. I live happily by myself with a pup and a cat for company. I’m surrounded by friends who love and celebrate me. I own my own business. And, weirdly enough, my path has become one of caregiving and spiritual with a focus on death and dying.

My 18 year old self, my 25 year old self, and even my 40 year old self wouldn’t recognize the life I have now. Possibilities have changed my life when I started saying yes and quit doing what I thought I should.

This life I build each day is a true adventure.

*%(&% Covid got me

Well that was an adventure I do not wish to revisit.

I started feeling off late on the 24th. Like, foggy froggy gross kind of off. Knowing that one of the places I frequent to visit clients had a recent outbreak that spread rather rapidly and even though I wore my mask and sanitized the dickens out of my hands, I thought to test.

On a Covid test, it tells the tester to set a timer for 15 minutes and read the results. Dudes, it wasn’t even a minute when I got the positive test. Yup, still the same at the 15 minute mark. I tested positive. FARTS!

I’ve avoided the plague for four years, but in my line of work of caregiving, I could only dodge the bullet for so long. I’m sorry my reign ended but I wouldn’t trade the time I had with my beloved clients to change that.

Three days of heavy flu-like symptoms, then a cough which gradually dwindled. Fever free on day 5. Feeling as normal as I can at 10 days out.

I hate being sick. I hate not being able to GO! GO! GO! It goes against my ethics, but I further know that if I don’t take care of myself, I’m setting myself up for failure. I’m not willing to fail. I’m not willing to give up. I’m not willing to surrender.

Intimate Brain

Repeatedly she kissed my hand

hugged my arm close to her body

She apologized not with “I’m sorry,”

but repeatedly with “I love you.”

Her eyes met mine briefly

with the woman she once was

vanished in a blink which, again,

began her litany of obsession.

What I witnessed, what I felt, what I learned,

wasn’t enough to ease her anxiety

her frustration and anger

even if she doesn’t quite understand why.

“I love you. I love you. I love you.”

“I love you too, dear one.”

I truly do. I fell in love with my new friend

Brain intimate with momentary lucidity

She smiled sunshine towards me despite her clouds

I promised to carry her love with me

Because I LOVE You

Transformation

Because I LOVE you

The revolution begins

Not with violence

But in the most sacred part of a living being

A shift in belief

A consideration of possibilities

A seed planted in the right conditions

An adventure and adaptation

A surrender to truth

A conspiracy of hope.

Equity

Because I LOVE you

When the “them” become we

When there is celebration in diversity

When homogenization is frowned upon

When being different is cherished

When others become us

When we walk ten miles beside them

When we seek to share our spirits

Without fear, without repercussions

When balance is restored to all living beings

Plurality

Because I LOVE you

You can bow your head

Covered or uncovered

You can walk holy halls

With shoes or without

You can pray all day

Or not at all

You can profess your faith

Or you can remain silent

You can go to church

Or you can stay at home

Justice

Because I LOVE you

I will protect you to the best of my ability

I will see you as the human you are

I will not convert you or force feed you

I will be quiet, so your voice is heard

I will walk beside you and stand behind you

I will support your righteous cause

I will encourage your truth

I will honor the authority over your personal autonomy

Generosity

Because I LOVE you

When you are overwhelmed and crying

I will bring comfort and compassion

When you are hungry

I will feed your spirit and your belly

When you are sick or weak

I will spoon feed you broth or lend you my strength

When your heart is heavy with grief

I will give you a haven to wade into the depths

When you are in need of a hand up

I will give what I can, when I can, as often as I can

Interdependence

Because I LOVE you

You are me.

I am you.

No matter which faces you see when you pray

No matter how you show up

No matter what, you are my kin

My blood is filled with your laughter and tears

You may not understand,

But know that I hold no judgment on your heart

I don’t know your hardships or happiness

But I know that you are LOVEd exactly as you are

Despite of and because of everything that makes you, YOU.

I am a Unitarian Universalist

“Because I LOVE you and I obey the Law of LOVE.”

Approaching Senior

older person holding an open book near a window

I am too old to be considered youthful

Yet, I’m a child, still wet-behind-the-ears

I’ve lived a life precariously truthful

But still, I’ve yet to see all of my years.

I have been as close to death as dust

But I still don’t know it by its common name

I have gifted dirges to those I’ve loved

A place in my heart they’ve claimed

If I’m blessed to live an entire century,

I hope that I won’t sit alone by the window

Waiting for those I love to learn too late they love me.

I’d languish for their amity, my companion, my shadow

There is a certain reverence to a life lived unfurled

The spiral tapestries of the lessons learned

Woven back upon itself briefly, beautifully curled

Love and joy have always been the life for which I’ve yearned

What Once Was

I know I didn’t fall from grace

But I am here,

Looking in the mirror

Staring at your face

Where once in unison our hearts beat

I couldn’t wait to share

My life stories laid bare

Somehow, now, I feel defeat

The connection that I had

With you has released

The distancing increased

It is neither good nor bad

It is what it was created to be

It’s darker now than ever it was

I cannot feel you in my blood

A monument of a you and I; “we”

Murder

I am repulsed by the weight of my skin

As if my every breath is a sin

Emotional trauma’s affection

Dissociative disconnection

Grappling a height I’ll never climb

For long ago, I was left behind

Every step I’ve made, I’ve done alone

Bitterness in my haunted bones

Illusions of love, of commitment, of joy

Are rotting with lies set to destroy

At times, I believe, I will rise above

That I will know peace of the mythical dove

But the curtain falls and the show is done

And I realize I have never won

I’ve stepped in line with my own path

Which cost me relationships in its wrath

But choices made were neither bad nor good

But all were made from a basic falsehood

That I was never good enough no matter how I tried

So, you see, I murdered her, so that I could live and thrive

Three Haikus

Spirit chaperone

Fills the room with comforting

Soul blessings granted

Her presence shows up

Love steadfast in her giving

Heartfelt fidelity

Granted allegiance

With open hearth, heart, and home

Humans night and day

Groundhog Day

The atmosphere is filled with fear

While the scythe swings deathly near

Labored breathing, barely there

Scars of battles warn: Beware!

The flies swarm round like vultures keening

Recycled life of profound meaning

The Otherwhere claims the tiny soul

Regret is mine for the life I stole