Tag Archives: being human

Hurricane Gale

I honestly feel like I am the eye of the hurricane 🌀.

No matter what happens around me, it’s going to be how it is.

I have control, such as it is, over my reactions even with big emotions.

I feel centered and balanced.

I’m shifting with the currents, adjusting my sails, allowing the journey to reveal itself as it comes.

I am calm.

This is my peace.

Deconstruction

At twenty-one I planned to die,

with a beer in one hand while getting high.

Nobody could see me, I didn’t exist

I screamed myself hoarse

while in their midst

Ironically, I didn’t tell

the secrets I had borne in hell

Imploding shrapnel from darkest places

Repulsed by misleading “loving” embraces

As I grew older, I refused my name

Pushing anger towards familial blame

I gave away my power

before it could be taken

If someone actually saw me,

they’d surely be mistaken

I never did because I knew I never could

It didn’t matter the effort

no matter how good.

I believed pain was love

because that’s what I was shown

Throughout my childhood

into the adult-self grown

I was Destructive in the sense that I had to tear down who I thought I was, who I believed myself to be. I had to dismantle the neglect, anger, bitterness, and apathy that were hidden under the guise of Love. Some of the wounds still ran blood. Some of them still had the knife protruding from my body. I walked around a victim, convinced I would cease to exist one day and that event would go unnoticed, under-appreciated, and quickly forgotten.

I was lied to, given gossip about my unworthiness for breakfast. I was taught values: The value of my vagina, the worthlessness of being barren, that I deserved wrath and disdain because, after all, I was the one insane.

I was force fed my inferiority until i vomited the parrot back to those whom despised the thought of me. The people who used every flicker of my light to read and implement my oppression. I allowed it, encouraged it because they lied love in the guise of vulnerability.

Despite all of that, I’ve broken that cycle. I know I am worthy of love. I know I am loved. I know I am kind, compassionate, loving, giving, helpful, wickedly smart, emotionally intelligent, with the sense of humor of a 12-year old boy who relishes bad jokes, fart jokes, dad jokes, irreverent and dark jokes.

I have accomplished more in the last five years because I believe in myself, my power, my skill, my experience, and my North Star; my loving heart. And best of all, I have a cheerleading band of friends who both keep me grounded and celebrate my successes in flights of fancy.

What a fantastic journey I have forged from the ashes of my youth. Nourishing the needs of my soul/spirit has been the best present I’ve ever given to myself. It leaks into the world like a floodlight of hope. Even better than that? I know it’s rightfully mine.

Remind Me

I’ll kiss you good night 

Holding you tightly in my heart;

But only if you’ll return.

In the dawning hours,

Brighten the sky

Like you did upon entering a room

At midday remind me

Again of your voice

As a bird lingering in a nearby tree. 

At supper, with the table set,

Join me as the clinking clatter

Of silverware and glasses 

Savoring the living moment.

And at dusk, as clouds draw dark,

Cleanse me with your tears

Shed as fluid reminders

That my love was not in vain

But returned tenfold even still.

Feels

I want to feel what I feel

I don’t want to be told:

It’s for the best

It’s gods plan

Snap out of it

Or insidiously

Get over it

I need to feel what I feel

The well wishers are wrong

Sometimes insensitive

To my patchwork heart

Whose whole is filled with holes

I know change has come

I know, eventually,

I, too, will change.

While I’m here in this moment

So different from what I knew

(Took for granted)

I require feeling what I feel

Without excuses or platitudes.

I am human.

I want to feel what I feel right now.

Strange Headspace

Speaking words of comfort

for a man I never met

to people I didn’t know

Committing his eternal soul

to an unknown God

My phone providing a 21 gun salute

then Taps to honor the Marine

I read Seneca

while breathing clouds of wisdom

into the icy air

As I stood next to the vault

I realized I was standing by myself

Watching myself

Disjointed, disassociated, but grounded

like him.

The Fearless Chalice

Let the light of hope blaze
Fearlessly raised against all doubt
Truth in observance praised
Darkness lost in deepest drought


Let the sacred heart grow
Fearlessly held by mercy’s grace
Kindness to our siblings flow
honoring our different faiths


Let the truth within our lives
Fearlessly show our love to kin
Justice minded as we strive
Vessels of honest reason


Let community be strong
Fearlessly the Chalice light
Guide us to know right from wrong
Even in the darkest night

How high the darkness

How high do we go in the dark?
Or is it always down?
The depths of anguish
Deep depression
Heavy grieving
What if the darkness is merely a threshold?
A catalyst for changes that must happen?
A step that isn’t there
To support our heart-stopping air
A shift in vision of what was to be
To what is in this moment
Chastised for arriving at rejection’s door
Huddled in the clothing of innocence
The wailing lamentations of a heart
Breaking open to possibilities not yet named
Climbing out of the pit of despair
To observe the mountainous task
Unasked for
Recognized at last, not as a destination location
But a roadside attraction, a must see,
With the oddest of bedfellows
Now clothed in the light of new understanding.

Don’t Go

The match burst unexpectedly into a flame
The tender tinder caught
An ignition of late-night discussions
That pursued verbal intercourse
Vulnerability exposed; naked
An incredible view from the mountain
Where true north was marked on our compass
The heat and warmth of intention
Splayed out in tranquility and mutual reliance
Invited to an adventure of a lifetime
We blazed new trails through trials
But apathetic time broke the compass
And people do what makes sense to them
The safe place became a wasn’t
And a not now, not ever.
The allure got eaten by silence
When all I wanted to hear was
“Don’t go.”

Dead City

I found myself in puddles of meltdowns
Oozing through the sidewalk cracks
The rawness of naked exposure
Seeping under the weeds.
I had to scrape my gooey emotions
Off the concrete where I stuck
Like melted gum on the bottom

of my own shoe
with a bullshit shovel shaped like my heart

To breathe took my breath away
My heart found no rhythm
In the pulse of the city
Where buses shuttled souls
By necessity or convenience to appointments
Where a prescription for life
Was offered but often denied.
Hollow Easter chocolate bunnies
Held more inside them than I did/could
They were far sweeter than me, too
Because my angry bitterness bit my hand
Gnawed on my fingers
as they pointed blame
At the shallow façade I masked myself with

WORST HOLIDAY ALBUM EVER!

[DARK HUMOR ALERT]

As we enter the holiday season, there’s a new album that’s dropped and it’s AWFUL! I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything worse than this. Whatever you do, don’t listen to any of it. You’ll instantly regret it. The Hits keep coming.

At The Speed of What The Farts (Radio Edit)
Winter GTFO

  1. Dead Starter Blues
    a. Sample Lyric: “Gonna take everything in my account, have to empty that dog out.”
  2. Dying Dog (Euthenasia)
    a. Sample Lyric: “She’s thirteen years old and blind as a bat, she can’t hear her name and she’s fading fast.”
  3. Bed Bug Boogie
    a. Sample Lyric: “I got welty itch from my head to my toes, that’s how the bedbug boogie goes.”
  4. Bitterness and Regret
    a. Sample Lyric: “The ailing heart showed up at my door, catheterized on the hospital floor.”
  5. Monkey on His Back
    a. Sample Lyric: “All my cash went up my nose, what I have left is my dirty clothes.”
  6. So Many Leftovers, Nothing to Eat
    a. Sample Lyric: “I’ve had so much corn chowder it waves hello, and warms up again for another go.”
  7. Delerium
    a. Sample Lyric: “Nine days have taken their toll on his brain. He now sounds like he’s not sane.”
  8. The Boot
    a. Sample Lyric: “Broken foot, faulty hip, growing old can kiss my grits.”
  9. Never Ending Gray
    a. Sample Lyric: “My love, the sun has gone away, I hope to see it again someday.”
  10. The Darkest Christmas Tree
    a. Sample Lyric: “This tree will never win awards until I find the farting extension cords.”
  11. Presence
    a. Sample Lyric: “Stuffs wrapped and under the tree, wondering who is there for me.”
  12. Shitty Ditty
    a. Sample Lyric: “Waking up in the middle of the night, discovering my fart took liquid flight.”
  13. (BONUS TRACK) Cold Friends
    a. Sample Lyric: “They used to laugh and joke a lot, but now they’re in a wooden box.”
  14. AUTHOR’S NOTES:
    This is written in originally Comic Sans for the simple reason that it’s an awful font. Everything on this “album” has happened during the past month to me or to my Bestie.