Tag Archives: death

Be With What Was

I cling to his hand while he clings to life

His view is the woodland with death his midwife

His eyes see something I cannot comprehend

Each finished stage whispers goodbye

Wordlessly he measures towards his inevitable end

While sorrow bows my head, trying not to cry

Time spent together fills my thoughts undaunted

“Be with what was.” My spirit tells me quietly

Flooding me with memories, what I knew of him is wanted

I reject the wisdom I am given, holding on to him defiantly

His breathing rustles his lungs so deeply, erratic in its spurts

He’s giving in completely, “Oh Adonai, this hurts!”

TAMP: Honorarium

From the forest comes the howl

Loam of earth’s dead rise

Ascending lift of sacred fowl

Imminent his demise

The snort of buck calls to a doe

A blue jay alarms the wood

Hastened river onward flows

The frigid dusk holds good.

A witness to the story

He is silent in the still

Accolades and glory

Abandoned from his will

His legacy is found abiding

In maple, in walnut, or oak

His spirit freely residing

Among his beloved folk.

From the forest comes the howl

Loam of nature’s rise

Ascending lift of sacred fowl

The undertaking of goodbyes.

The Heir

You were a human being

With a life as precious as my own

But, I’m alive and you are not

To me a path was shown

I’ve inherited your voices

I’m heir to your bright beacon

I will not turn away

My resolve will never weaken

I spend my inheritance freely

With loud pride from your source

I magnify it ideally

Your oppression no longer enforced

The lynching tree will bear no fruit

The crucifixion of branches

Will decay, not take root

It’s time to play with matches

The Visitor

I saw the shadow of death holding your hand at your bedside.

You couldn’t see me because you were seeing what it showed you.

Your breath came in sharp sudden bursts as if you were forgetting how

The blankets were white like your skin, clean

But contrary to the warmth they offered, you cooled

I greeted you by name, nodded to death, said a prayer of comfort.

The blue of your gown shrouded your emaciation

I stood next to you whispering words of loving comfort

As I took my leave, you prepared your own version.

Tomorrow, it’s likely I will see the rising sun.

Tomorrow, you will offer your hosanna to God in person

Departure

The vivid light of the dawning day

brought warmth, unexpected,

in an unusual way.

Relinquished labor past

silence in the brightness

among the spirits now cast

Peace found in the holy hour

grief intensifies exponentially

revealing its raw power

The request has been distilled

Absent heartbeat in the once vital body

The dash has now been fulfilled

EOL Doula

With trepidation I wait

Better too soon

than way too late

Asking answers of unskilled sight

Maybe so

Maybe tonight

Indecision holds me fast

Supportive heart

as he breathes his last

But will my service be enough

to smooth the edges

of the emotional rough?

Will I be able to be a guide

through the darkness

with my brilliant light?

Will it be enough to attend

the final hour

the welcomed end?

Unwound

I’ve been staring out the window

Waiting for the sound of your ride

But the clock kept on ticking

Wasting the hours

As I could do nothing but cry

You never came home again

Never said hello again

Never heard the sound of my pain

All of the broken bits

Scattered like shards

As I kept on screaming your name

The last words you said to me

Echoed inside my brain

“I’ll always love you.” You said.

I’m wrapped in these blankets now

Cold in this unholy shroud

Facing the three AM dread

Everyone whispers

Offers their sympathies

Telling me I will get through

But I can not listen to all of their symphonies

While I keep Pretending they’re you

The Wound of Sorrow

The earth is opened to allow you in

my heart is heavy with sorrow

I no longer know where to begin

promises lost on the cusp of tomorrow.

The daisies and roses adorn your stone

The cloudless sky rains violent with tears

Bereft at your side, I stand to weep alone

I expected to be with you throughout the years.

The chill in my body, despite the warm day

feels alien in a world without you in it

As if shock and grief would wash away

any day, any hour, any minute.

As I weep at the open wound in the soil

I’m reminded of your loving embrace

No longer of this mortal coil

Extended beyond time and space

Always Dying

“For when is death not within ourselves? Living and dead are the same, and so are awake and asleep, young and old.”

Heracutus

My recent explorations of the world have given me a gift. It’s shown me that life is filled with experiences that we create, that happen, or that we observe “in the wild.” Filled to the brim with an emotional connection to how things work, how we process, and meet the situation it’s intoxicating, intimidating, and exhilarating.

In all the living that is to be done, death lurks. It’s always there with a potential to manifest unexpectedly. In a way, living fully, saying yes to new things, learning what knowledge can be found, following your arrow wherever it points are all death defying, or maybe a better term would be death defining.

At the end of my days, I want to be able to look back over my life and know that I lived a good life filled with human moments. I want to look at the mistakes that I’ve made and know that, at the time, I made the best possible decision with the information I had. I want to be able to tell stories of a life well lived. I want to be the best me possible.

Knowing that this could be my last day or even part of a day of my life motivates me to strive towards being immortal. Not in the sense that I will physically be alive, but that what I do in my life will be talked about by people; my friends, loved ones, and those in the wider community. I want to create a legacy of love, kindness, compassion, service, and be known for my sense of humor.

Death is going to happen. The age of death is an exclusive personal interpretation. But while I can, while I’m still breathing and have opportunities, I want to live as fully as humanly possible. When the inevitable happens, I want to know I’ve accomplished a good life. This tracks. So far, so good.

Notice your moments. Move forward with grace and mercy. Don’t give your power to what if’s and what was. This is it. Be love. Do peace. Create Joy.

May peace be with you wherever you are or go. You are loved.

A hobby interest

I was chatting with my friend Professor Pudgytums about things we were doing in our lives. I was creating art, traveling, and working. He was working, traveling, and picking up new hobbies.

He has done fencing, trapeze, racquetball, and a variety of other interesting activities. His latest interest is book binding. He was interested enough to share some of what he was learning.

I sent him two books I have in storage and requested he practice on them. He didn’t feel confident enough to agree, but I sent them just in case.

Then I thought about it. I have an entire library of books primarily on death and dying. I have others, but I want to learn more about a topic I’m interested in like him.

To hold a book, yes I also have a Kindle, is to feel the heft of the words, the thoughts, the desires, the emotions, and entire imagination pinned down in time by someone who didn’t give up. It’s almost holy in a way.

Wait. I have two books that I sent to someone else. Why the farts couldn’t I do that for myself? What do I need to know to do this? I asked the oracle (YouTube).

It’s involved and takes skills that are a challenge. Is it something that I can figure out and learn? I think so.

The writing for one of the books is complete and the art is being created. The second book is complete and ready to go other than formatting. Yes, I’m really going to try it. I have a sneaking suspicion I’m going to love it.

May peace be with you wherever you are or go. You are loved!