The heated battle

I am currently in a heated argument with the Universe. I am being sent omen after omen telling me to trust who I am and my vision for the future. However, trusting that hasn’t paid my bills in the past, although I’ve never wanted for anything and my heart has been happy, my husband has made many sacrifices for me to do that. We can’t afford me to say the words the Universe wants to hear.

How can I trust that what is in my heart is right? How can I let go of the need to pay rent, put food on the table, have internet service, and maintain my lifestyle. I don’t own a lot of stuff (except weird hats and odd eclectic clothes), but I like what I have including the less than stellar accommodations’ location.

I hear the Universe pulsing in my veins like a driving song that makes the foot drop on the accelerator just a little too hard. I feel my heart get excited and feel “right” when I hear, “Thank you, Mare. I always feel better when I talk to you.” I take deepest joy and satisfaction in just hugging people until their pieces are glued enough for their hearts to feel better. I adore sharing laughter, good and bad jokes which makes me feel richer than any pocketbook could hold.

But the Universe begs me to hear. It is constantly prodding me. I hear it whisper over and over, “You don’t belong there. You’re too big for that room. You’re meant for greater things. You need to be out in the world. Go put on your cape and trust me.”

But my practical side says, “I can sacrifice my physical comfort for a paycheck so my husband doesn’t have to worry any more. I can give up a bit of time so that we can get back on our feet as the trail of my medical bills have left us a bit underground.”

“Heed me.” Begs the voice. “You’re missing every first event around because I put them on the weekends you “need” to work. I’m making sure you’re understanding what’s wrong with this picture. Are you getting my message?”

“No. I mean yes. I mean…I know, I get it, but I have things I really want to do and that takes…”

“Yes, but you’re not trusting me. You’re not hearing my words to you. You know, in your spirit, I’m speaking your truth but you doubt me. I’ve never let you down.”

“I’m going to do this. Right now. I’m setting my alarm so I can go back to my job tomorrow and earn my paycheck to ease my family’s burdens.”

“And I’m going to keep dropping boulders on you until you pay attention. This is not your destiny. Go do as I asked you to do.”

“Maybe after pay day. Right now, I’m saving up to pay off some medical bills, some personal loans, and looking for a safer place to live.”

If the Universe were a human, it would be rolling its eyes at me, wondering how obtuse of a human it created could actually be. “Omens, my dear one. Look for the omens that are right in front of your face. I don’t know how much more obvious I can make them. You don’t have to worry, just trust me.”

“Oh, I trust you,” as I push the buttons on my phone setting my alarm for 5:16AM. “I just don’t believe my bills will get paid and I’m not sure you understand how important that is to sentient beings like me.”

Another eyeroll. “When are you going to get it? Really? You’re not a sentient being. You’re a spirit in a meat suit. Your spirit is your destiny. Meet it. Be it. Belong to the realm of the Spirit Walkers.”

“You’re crazy!”

“You’re not crazy enough.”

4 comments on “The heated battle

  1. Reblogged this on Mare Martell and commented:

    Oh the joys of discovering things tucked in the attic. How many of you are battling with what brings you the deepest satisfaction vs. what will keep you afloat financially? How many of you are struggling to manifest the artful life you know in your soul you’re destined to live while sacrificing that part of you for the sake of a 9 to 5? It took me a long time to realize that some of us aren’t meant for a dependable life, we’re meant to live like fireworks flashing glorious in the darkness, allowing others to ooo and ahhhh in appreciation. We’re born to remember where our ancient selves were formed, among the stars with accidental cohesion to this rock. We stumble around lost and abbreviated, but once that lamp gets rubbed to polish, we can’t put the genie back into the bottle. Since I wrote this, I’ve realized the Universe was trying to explain what it is to trust myself. I get it now, and man, what a ride it’s becoming. I am cresting the first hill on my roller coaster. Watch out world! You’re about to see an incredible show!

  2. […] my previous post The heated battle, you may recall that I’ve been struggling to find something better suited to my gifts, needs, […]

  3. Robin g says:

    This was beautiful and insightful and so well put. My spirit was moved

  4. Rev. Linda Looney says:

    Oh I SO get this!! The world is so different than how it should/could be and the worldly demands are very pressing. The spirit/universe doesn’t seem to “get” that there are consequences to bills not getting paid, does it? All things will come together. Remember, ” a thousand ages is but an evening gone in God’s time.

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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