Lake Michigan at Holland Beach

My husband and I decided it was time to explore. With a few dollars in our pockets and adventure in our spirits, we headed west. We stopped when we found Holland Beach State Park (Mostly because we couldn’t go any farther West). The wind was blowing up to 50 mph which made sand a rude awakening for my bare legs as well as when I’d try to talk. We walked out to the pier because it was paved. A cane and sand are not fair companions, by the way.

Here is an example of the waves, Caution, the wind is rather noisy:

My beautiful Husband.

My beautiful Husband.

A kiss in the gardens

A kiss in the gardens

On a drawbridge at Windmill Island

On a drawbridge at Windmill Island

I was reborn thrice for this picture.

I was reborn thrice for this picture.

Holland State Park

Holland State Park

Ben and I at Holland State Park

Ben and I at Holland State Park

All Grown Out: TRIGGER WARNING!!!

I was sent a link to this video by a friend of mine. It punched me really hard in the face, but in an inspirational way. I pulled up Word and started writing in time to the video. Some of this isn’t in there, some of it is, but it made me think about reactions and how others deal with trauma.

Every one of my dolls had genitalia
Carved into their bodies
Testament to that 10% I couldn’t see
Of that 100% “friendship” he promised me
And the 90% of his misogyny
Bloomed rottenly
Beneath his alleged kindness
That made my body feel good
But my soul feel dirty, covered in blood
Take your foot off from my neck
But MAN-ipulation made me beg
Without cognition,
For the shame
And guilt to rule me and to reign
PTSD
An unforeseen eulogy,
That mourned what I could never be
I wouldn’t be as stupid as her
I would never wear that
I had to divide my attentions
From those that “came out”
Separating myself from the victims
Because I said repeatedly
“It will never happen to me.”
When it did, I couldn’t say
Because of how they’d see me “that way”
You know him
Not a stranger in the bushes
With a weapon
My boyfriend, husband, acquaintance
Breaking my trust, my faith, my beliefs, my body
And my stunned silence fights back
But there is “Nothing we can do”
Say the police, my friends, my family
That couldn’t happen to me
I wasn’t ready
I said no
I didn’t want it
I put away those dolls from my childhood
Stained with my innocence
Refused by me because they allowed
Me to violate their bodies
Just like mine.