Day Eleven

Don’t worry, kids. This post is going to be shorter than the others because I didn’t really do anything today except go to church at ORUUC on zoom and laundry. There is plenty going on back home with my mother being admitted to the hospital for kidney failure due to dehydration. At this writing she is sounding much better and the doctors are cautiously optimistic about her recovery.

Church is one of my favorite activities on Sunday. The people who attend the church I do have given me such a gift of their support, kindness, and love that I have integrated into the mesh of the congregation. It’s THIS church that I belong to. It’s THIS church I support as I’m able. It works for me. It doesn’t have to for anybody else, but I’m glad it works so well for so many stellar people.

Okay, laundry. It’s my custom to do my laundry on Sunday afternoon while spending time at my Beastie Diane’s house. We talk, watch crime dramas, share worries and concerns, and generally enjoy one another’s company. With me being so far away, that’s not possible right now. She IS taking care of my little dog Phoenix while I’m here. Diane’s top hat all across the board.

My beautiful Phoenix (Phoe)

First I had to find the place which wasn’t too difficult. I’m getting used to navigating this city now. I’m not an expert, but I’m learning new things every day. I found the Laverie automatique (Laundromat) on this corner with a hopping cafe across the way.

I’ve used laundromats before. You put in the coins, push the slider in, and your laundry begins. Not so in this place.

First you put your clothes in the desired machine along with soap (which I nearly forgot). Then you go to a console on the wall that gives directions in French how to use the machines. You punch in the number of the machine you want to use then hit the V button for enter. Then you deposit 4E50 ($4.50) into the slot, or you can use coins, or you can pay by credit/debit card. That feature was an unexpectedly pleasant surprise. Once done, you go push start on your machine and it works.

The place was small but clean. Everyone in there was courteous to one another. The guys using the dryer 11 put a comforter in it which blew up and filled the drum with fluffy bits of polyfiber. When they went to take it out and realized what happened, I learned some new cuss words in French!

I helped a young man figure out how to use the machines after I had to be shown. He spoke broken English but was grateful when his dryer started to run since he admitted it was his first time here. I nodded sympathetically, “Me, too.” He thanked me and wandered out into the street.

Learning how to adult the French way has been quite the painful learning curve for me. But, with every challenge, I’ve eventually figured it out. I suppose that’s what adulting really is, keep trying things until it works or breaks. I am truly enjoying the experience of being somewhere with “new air” as my friend Melissa Kay likes to say.

Despite the issues happening at home in the States, I’m grateful for this life. I’m grateful for this opportunity. I’m so glad I was asked to come work here with my client.

Fifty year drought

babydoll

I had a baby.

Her name didn’t/doesn’t matter.

She lay in her stroller with her arms outstretched.

I smiled down at her, cooing gentle words of love.

I swaddled her a bit tighter against the chill.

As each car passed on the nearly vacant street,

I’d sing a little louder so they’d know I was a mom.

It’s all I ever wanted to be.

INTERLUDE

The MMR wasn’t created when I was born.

When my brother came along and got his,

nobody thought to inoculate me.

At twelve years old, my throat and neck hurt so badly.

My mom gave me a dill pickle (LOVE THEM) but I couldn’t swallow.

Diagnosis: The mumps.

Aged and married: Clomid, Pergonal, temperatures, acne, painful periods,

nothing. nothing. nothing.

Failed adoption. Ectopic miscarriage, failed adoption

GUARDIANSHIP x two!

Rejected for violence. Rejected for drugs.

nothing. nothing. nothing.

PART TWO

ultrasound

You can’t possibly know how many times I’ve been gracious,

how many times I’ve oohed and aah-ed over black gray blobs

What it’s like to see beautiful mothers holding their beautiful babies

while my arms hold back my sadness, my longing, my relief.

I’m not resentful that they have my dreams wrapped in their love.

I’m not angry that their wishes came true. I’m not even upset.

PART THREE

birth-control-1

Am I less than a woman for not showing proof of fertility?

Am I less than a woman for my body’s refusal to carry life?

I feel betrayed each time blood flows from my barren womb.

All of the pain, emotions, heating pads, and carb stuffing…for what?

Another reminder that I’m not like the others. Another storm trooper miss.

 

 

Well then, here we are

Last Friday I had surgery on my ankle to fix chronic pain that I incurred when my body decided it would be a great idea to not only enlarge my foot nerve, but attach it to the major artery running through said foot. So whenever I would step, extend, or use my foot, I was in constant pain. However, after the surgery, I feel so much better that I’ve been tempted to overdo it a bit because I can’t believe how much better I feel. Although I have irritation from the surgery site and some pretty impressive stitches, the pain level is more at a pinch instead of a cut-my-foot-off-for-the-love-of-Pete!

But I’m back and rolling again.

My friend posed the question: What if someone said “I love you” and you never heard it? It inspired the following poem entitled Rejected Love.

desertoasis

I’ve been told “I love you” in a million different ways

By thousands of different mouths promising devotion

In actions and in words designed to set my heart ablaze

With alchemic bumbling, “Drink this Number 9 potion.”

But the spells they cast upon my heart break up before they land

Their intentions not as holy as the unguarded that you proffered

In the secret place you’ve discovered, my oasis in the sand

While you accepted my treasure trove, they could not be bothered.