I took my vow of silence when I unwillingly walked the aisle
I knew that once sealed, I was lost. I hoped to be.
I kissed his lips knowing they were poison
I tenderly held his hands that blessed me with curses;
beat me, berated me, tore me down to the floor where
I prayed at his altar with bloody knees,
“Please! I won’t sin again!”
I genuflected my resolved acceptance
of my worth from his unholy blessings and unlawful prayers.
I lay prostrate, willing myself to Mother Mary
Falling short of grace;
denied her forgiveness.
With the community choir ignoring the sermon
of discipleship he insisted I learn,
fifth in hand
I begged physical communion
I knew he’d lay down the fists for lustful sins
grunting self-satisfied “amens” of self-approval.
While I lynched my own redemption
on the clothesline laden with our dirty laundry
begging silently with screaming stains of humiliation
Betrayal drip drying fresh spilled secrets
but denied my name.
I found my voice
I left six bullets in the clip
putting them safe in my pocket
one still in the chamber.
I knew you were a crappy shot
I won my life in a daring public race of rushing roulette
As I ran among my neighbors that I’d shared bread with
taken their children on vacation, gifted with Christmas
Challenging them to shine a light,
to allow me one phone call from my personal prison
Each house darkened but one remained.
My prayers finally answered
by confused badges of protect and serve honor.
I surrendered my protection
because his shame lied
lay bruises on my arms.
Hear this, Father of my ex-communication,
I am again holy.
I am true in spirit.
I walk in grace while you walk in your valley of darkness
I pray you find your way to your own righteousness
I pray you never feel the transgressions you offered to me
visited upon your person
I pray that understanding of your offense
be never washed in the blood of another.
Amen and Blessed Be