Tag Archives: release

Fire Walkers

Come join in the dance of the Firewalkers

Come join in the song of the giving

Come join in the joy of the fearless talkers

Come join your hearts of the living

Once they were lost in pain and sorrow

Once they denied it, no joy to borrow

Once they’d forgotten who they were

Once they left for freedom unsure

Once they were nothing but frightened

Once they were hurting and raw

Once they were banished by self-induced exile

Once they were blind to what they saw

Once they rejected a healing touch

Once they gave in to what seemed too much

Once they refused of life to play a part

Once they closely guarded their jaded hearts.

We sing:

Come join in the dance of the Firewalkers

Come join in the song of the giving

Come join in the joy of the fearless talkers

Come join your hearts of the living

Once they were left broken and crying

Once they were deluged with the lying

Once they felt left out in the cold

Once they were rejected for being so bold

Once they were chastised for their thinking

Once they were left to their addictions and drinking

Once they refused the hand that was offered

Once they had drained all of false-love’s coffers

Once they’d gotten lost in the days

Once they felt overcharged and way underpaid

Once they found comfort in self destructive ways

Once they refused to kneel and pray.

Now they sing:

Come join in the dance of the Firewalkers

Come join in the song of the giving

Come join in the joy of the fearless talkers

Come join your hearts of the living

Now that freedom is here with you

Now we can help release pain from you

Come join in the dance of the Firewalkers

Come join in the song of the giving

Come join in the joy of the fearless talkers

Come join your hearts of the living

I’m getting a divorce

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I met ‘em when I was 18 years old. I was in the backseat of Paul’s car laughing and drinking Jack Daniels chased by Southern Comfort. When you were offered to me, it just felt like the right thing to do. I mean, my friends and I were all sharing while singing out loud to songs promised at the concert we were heading down to Kalamazoo to witness up close and personal. I thought, “What the heck?”

I didn’t like you much, to be honest, but you kept pushing towards me with a tenacity that only lover’s know. I embraced you and for a while, we loved each other passionately, fully, and without remorse or thought of consequence.

We’ve been together for over half of my life. Twenty-eight years collectively where you have stood beside me as my pal, my buddy, my emotional rock, my shame and guilt. For twenty-eight years I’ve allowed myself to return to you time and again despite your abuse. Despite the way you take my breath away, and I don’t mean in a good way. I cling to you as a drowning man to a life raft. I run to you, no matter the occasion.

I know exactly how you’ll touch my body, move my emotions, and comfort me when I’m upset. I am hyper-aware of your indifference to my wandering eye because you know you’re my Master. You know I’m your slave. You know that I will give up everything I have if it meant being in your presence for just a little bit longer.

When we are in the honeymoon phase of our relationship, I can enjoy your company like an old friend being reunited with me. We laugh and joke. We carry on stories of “Do you remember when…?” And I love you for those. My emotional attachment to you soothes my body and my brain. You tell me everything is going to be all right as long as you’re with me. I let you stay far too long because I depend on your gratuitous being to cope with daily life.

But we have a problem. I’m no longer in love with you. I’m embarrassed that you show up at social events. I’m embarrassed that you dominate me into humiliating positions where I have to hide my shameful love/hate for you in public. I find myself apologizing for you before we’re even together.

We’ve been married longer than all four of my recognized wedded times. I realize, however, that perhaps, it’s time for us to go our separate ways for good. You see, I’m stealing love from my life with our relationship. My loving husband said, “I wish there was something I could say that would make you give up this relationship like there was when I asked you to wear your seat belt. I’m getting robbed of time with you because of that.” He’s right and I feel ashamed.

My husband sees me cheat on him every day and because of my long-term relationship with you, I’ve not had an interest in changing anything. Which isn’t entirely true, I’m a slave to a master that calls me when I’m uncomfortable, bored, upset, or need a break. But my love for my legally wedded husband is stronger than my relationship with you.

I want a divorce. I want you to leave and never return. You are not valued, you devalue. You are not comfort, you are shame. You are not a stress reliever, you’re an abuser, like me. You are not special, you’re the butt of every joke. You’re not welcome any more to go with me to restaurants, clubs, cars, homes, or anywhere else. You’re just not okay and I am not going to give in to the lies you tell me about how much you love me. You hurt me and I let you. You control me and I don’t like that. I don’t want you ruining any more of my life than I’ve allowed you to already.

I’m not 18 or immortal anymore and you need to understand that. I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of damage I’ve allowed you to do to me. I, truthfully, hope the only thing you leave with me is the memory of my own allowed self-inflicted version of a slow suicide that I’m aware of in my life.

I am sending you packing, cigarettes. Butt out of my life. You can’t blow your smoke screen around me anymore. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust get ye out of my life you must! You must!

P.S. June 7th is the birthday of the friend that introduced me to my own self destruction. I was no coerced, but it seems poetic to choose that day as the day I officially divorce myself from that habit.