My roots dig down to the depths of my grief.

I have blood in the soil here now.

I have committed my earthen peace

I have swallowed oceans of sorrow until I drown

But that first fresh breath of holy air

that first hint of growing comfort

The absolute trust in knowing living love

Is beyond priceless to my clandestine spirit

I welcome the shift from despair to hope

I am open to the changes in my life

Life is a mighty reminder set like a tiny alarm

that goes off without warning

It’s digging down into the core elements of your humanity;

like excavating a deep conversation

with just the right person

at just the right time.

It’s remembering that your very existence,

exactly as you are,

is your contribution

your glory is in honoring

that which you were created to be

Every depth of truth discovered

is closer to your personal divinity.

As I sit in reflective silence,

My refrigerator hums to life

I notice when it stops

silence once again.

I attempt to release all anxiety

(to give it to the Universe)

I’m resentful of my own inadequacies.

I relax into my “Captain’s Chair”

I focus on my breathing

In

hold

exhale

hold

I am soothing my inner child

the one that got frightened

angry, furious

I let go of anger.

I can’t hold it to my chest as I once did

suckling it like an infant

Loving the bitterness of my tears

I was encouraged to lie

to hide with deceitful heart.

I sure do want to, but who would I be then?

I know my spirit holds a different truth

a deeper meaning of who I want to be

while sitting in reflective silence

Grab my magical hands as we gather

as we dance in spirals of laughter

as we greet the muddy earth with

deeply extending roots from our heels

Celebrating the turning of the wheel

Embracing the darkening moon ever blessed

The time for planting that is to manifest

In a conversation I had with my mother, Linda Looney, I noticed a repeated pattern, often punctuated with a tsk, or, and, in addition to her favorite “So…Anyways…” Here is what it sounds like to listen to my mom. This is primarily jotted notes of how she speaks. This is merely the art of her rhythm Used with her permission.

“So…anyways…

pay the bills

wait to die

(Laughs)

You can count on change

but fer sure

(chuckles)

death and taxes

(Describing a trip to Missouri)

like dogs down the highway

heads out the window

Just trying to catch a chill.

You know…So…Anyways

Oh God!

What a hellish year

instead of crap going on

why can’t we have peace

I’m smirking like the Grinch

That’s about correct.

I guess.

So…anyways…

“Ma, I’m gonna let you go. I love you.”

“I love you too, dear daughter.”

I’m reaching out to you.

You are such an incredible soul.

I love the me I am when I’m with you.

I am gifted with faith in trusting

the love I’m learning

for myself.

I am shown every time we meet,

how lucky I am to know you,

Thank you for sharing your heart,

your time, and your love with me.

My very breath is a testament of gratitude.

My arms are open for love; deep soul hugs.

My spirit is filled with white light

spinning freely from my fingertips,

I’m embracing my life with all the joys,

tribulations, suffering, and anxieties.

I’m looking for your face in the crowd

I’m looking to see you as you are; loving louder

Empathy is spirits broken

Zephyr’s words finally spoken

Granted sanctuary within

Primitive instincts rote to please

Wisdom and Freedom of the seas

I did it.

I walked away, left, abandoned

my old life

the one that wasn’t a life at all

One where survival was

and always was

All I could ask for.

Now with restraints puddled at my feet,

I stand tall on my own firmly planted legs.

I did it.

I chose me with few regrets.

Today I started out by getting coffee with Freddie Nechtow and Jen Stark. It was deep with delicious conversation. We covered all different topics and I felt deeply satisfied because of the company. We tried out a new place called Bob’s coffee.

After a fantastic time, I drove over to the China Palace where I spent lunch with Mylissa Buttram. We talked for over an hour. Mind you, I didn’t know her but by name before meeting her today. We dove in deeper than my previous conversation.

We talked about death, dying, cancer survival and cancer casualties. I learned more about support groups that deal with cancer. I was able to give out three business cards when some friends of hers showed up at the restaurant. She said that talking to new people brought her energy.

We discussed the Red Tent and our collective vision of which direction to go. We made another date for breakfast at the WaHo on a typical Monday so Freddie can meet her and talk to her about grief. I’m looking forward to getting to know her even better.

I can’t remember a time in my life where I’ve been happier. If I have, this happiness is the most complete I’ve felt in a coon’s age. I’ve been happy before, but this is different. I wish I had ample words to describe this feeling. I feel blessed beyond measure.