“Even with all my loud, I can feel invisible. When that happens, my first immediate thought is, “OH NO! Everyone hates me. There must be something wrong with me.” Then I remember, I’m my biggest fan and sometimes I’m an audience of one. And when I still feel insecure, I give myself a round of applause like the lone clapper in a movie and for some reason, the angels agree and begin to clap along and I remember I’m loved, worthy, cherished, and beautiful. Coincidentally, just like you.”
It is no secret that I’m bawdy, opinionated, loud, and if I were born in the 1800’s I probably would have worked in, if not run, a house of ill-repute simply because wild people are fun people most of the time. But I also know from personal experience that loud people, funny people, brave people are usually born through the anvil and hammer; Cleansed in the fires of abuse and neglect.
It is my understanding that we are all Divine creations. Every one of us. Every aspect of God is in every face, breath, and life everywhere. When there are abuses suffered a soul that cause so much damage that it strips the Divinity down to the gnawed bone, there are still bones. There is still a skeleton on which to reattach the courage. The femur can meet once again with the pelvis with the first steps towards healing which can be as easy or as complex as the sufferer requires.
Before I’d reached a point of realization, I was still loud and bawdy but I was also incredibly self-destructive. I tried my darndest to erase the gifts I was born to use. I fought against destiny to the point of estranging myself from all of those I loved because I wasn’t loveable. At least, I didn’t act like it nor did I feel worthy of that love. But, as with everything meant to be okay, I woke up and understood after many years.
I’m not saying that I sat bolt upright in bed exclaiming myself healed. I had to finish off the sinew of shame, bite through the tendons of guilt, and shred the reluctance towards abundance. There had to be nothing left, rock bottom some call it, before I could try on new muscles with ancient memories. It’s how I got so comfortable in my God-sized skin, I grew into myself.
Each step on my path to self-discovery has been another step closer to embracing the love and light I was born to share with the world. Your gift may be as a financial whiz, or a teacher of basketball, or as a nature enthusiast, all or none or more. Whatever your gift is, it’s there waiting for you to pursue it full force with the passion it deserves. Don’t be afraid. It will be okay. You’ll be fine. Grow the necessary muscles to rebirth the parts of yourself that you remember as your favorite parts because those, old friend, are righteous. Expect there to be growing pains as the comfort levels stretch to accommodate your full beauty. It can get quite uncomfortable, but with each new muscle firmly established, the power you can offer is astounding. Those places are where your soul calls you. Heed them.
The cool part about being a manifestation of the Divinity, realizing it, rebuilding yourself, is that you get to choose what you keep and what you discard. If you don’t like it, you can reject it, save it for later, or implement it immediately. If it doesn’t work out, then that’s not the right fit. That’s okay. A guest speaker at my church said, roughly, that we’re so afraid of imperfection that we have other people around just in case WE make a mistake. He was right. We’re supposed to be without flaws if we’re Divine creations, right? We’re supposed to be perfect, right? The only thing we’re supposed to be perfect at being is who we were born to be using the gifts we’ve been given. Everything you need is right now.
So what does that have to do with feeling invisible even when I’m loud to the outside world? That’s when I normally forget that, looking back from the mirror, I AM that divinity. I owe myself a round of applause for remembering I’m loved, just like you owe yourself the gentle reminder. When I fall into the doubtfuls and the I-can’t-do-this traps, I remember to bow and try again. You, like me, can achieve what you need to do. Your Divinity, my dear friend, is precisely who I look forward to meeting so that I can join in the applause with you.
This is just what I needed to hear today. Thank you for being you!
I really like this piece though it tears at my heart the reasons you felt so bad even though I wasn’t the abuser. That will probably never go away completely with me, but I live with it. Good writing. Mom