This is the link to the original post where I spell out what it’s like in my brain: https://maremartell.com/2019/09/04/wrong-door-right-place/

Something broke inside of me when I was in the hospital. Putting a picture to it makes it appear like a telephone pole sized railroad tie, black with char and tar from the fire. The intensity of the fire had been screaming sirens at me, but I kept limping away trying to protect myself. My defenses, my being, my very existence felt like I was experiencing a transformation on such a primitive level.

One of my favorite ways to respond to people I find difficult, ignorant, or…good lord I’m arrogant, is to pray that their hearts break open with the light of love and that their eyes see the clarity of truth. I’ve been praying like this for several months. I don’t want harm to come to the people I disagree with, so I wrote this to love them instead.

I was talking to my person, Jen while we discussed her life events and our thoughts on it. Somehow we got onto the topic about bipolar disorder which she vocally advocates for education of people regarding mental illnesses.

I shared with her that I suspected something was amiss because I could have a great day until about 3:30 in the afternoon. Then everything falls to shit. I become weepy, irritable, unkind, hilarious, and back to flying high on five projects spread out before me. Truthfully, I AM working on all of them, so there is that.

She asked if I’d ever been diagnosed with bipolar disorder or manic-depressive as it used to be called. I have not but it has been suggested to me a few times.

She got a book about hypomania, what it means, how it felt, and what they would experience. She read through the entire passage and I was on the other end of the conversation sobbing soul truth about the intensity of epiphany. She further suggested rapid cycling because I swing throughout the day.

If this is an accurate diagnosis and is medically confirmed, I feel hope for the first time since the break up with my old self. I mean I really believe that what broke that day were all my preconceived notions about what really is me. It broke me wide open to accept new possibilities that I hadn’t realized before that moment.

Truth, as each of these lost parts of me are fitting their pieces back where they’ve belonged, it’s a giddy feeling. I am discovering new things about me at 51! I’m both blown away with gratitude I couldn’t feel when the darkness overcame my light.

There are so many things that can be attributed to the self diagnosis. You see, I thought mania ALWAYS meant hyper-mania. I didn’t know there were such thing as HYPO-mania. Although technically one isn’t bigger than the other, it’s based on, from what I understand so far, the size of the wave.

Hyper-mania is like a hurricane where hypo-mania is like a tornado. Both are horribly damaging but statistically, a hurricane is more likely to wreak more havoc. I’m a tornado force sustained winds until I run out of air and have to fight to catch my breath because it keeps trying to escape permanently.

The battleground created from darkest intent

brought to light with a torch to catastrophize

cobwebs, deceitfully woven to contain fluid knowledge

My personal Library of Alexandria scorched

Idiocracy with a twist of lime and soapy cilantro

I am reminded that I murder in color faces past

When the joke ends and my power returns.

Living in a second hand version of real/altered reality

Knowing that death isn’t inherently sad, it is transition,

makes the difference between knowing and understanding.

Some people say you should hold out hope
Some people say you should fight
What happens when you give away that hope?
What happens when you’ve fought?
Some people say you should hold onto your dreams
Some people say you should meet every challenge
What happens when you give away your dreams?
What happens when you can’t meet the challenge?
Some people say that change is good
Some people say that things happen for a reason
What happens when change sucks you dry?
What happens when the reasons make no sense?
Some people say you don’t have the right
Some people say you shouldn’t question
What happens when it IS my right?
What happens when your questions remain unanswered?
Some people say you shouldn’t give up
Some people say that the now is temporary
What happens when you have to give up?
What happens when the now is every day?
Some people say hold on to what’s yours
Some people say to let it free
What happens when nothing is yours?
What happens when all you want is freedom?
Some people say that pain is relative
Some people say that this too shall pass
What happens when it’s all you feel?
What happens when it doesn’t?
Some people say what’s meant to be will be
Some people say not to take things for granted
What happens when the will is wrong?
What happens when you’re the one taken?

The following is a way you can travel through time and “witness” our wedding day as it was back then. It was a perfect afternoon. The air was rich with autumnal scents while friends that I’ve come to love so dearly attended. My sperm donor, now dead and gone, burped and farted while talking over the entire ceremony. Despite his drinking all the booze we had for the reception, the day was perfect. Enjoy!

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the marriage of Benjamin Israel Stotler and Marilyn Martell. Today we have gathered in this place of natural beauty to be joyful, in celebration of the relationship of Benjamin and Marilyn. May the spirit which is in the blue sky, in the blowing wind, in the flowing waters, and in the scent of the Earth–enter your bodies, fill your hearts, and bless your lives.

Benjamin and Marilyn have, at long last, found that special “someone” to love and trust with heart, mind, and soul. They have found that someone special to come home to – after a long search. They have found someone to support them and comfort them in times of trial. They also know they have good reason to be happy together and we rejoice with them in their union.

Marriage is a supreme sharing of experience, and an adventure in the most intimate of human relationships. It is the joyous union of two people whose friendship and mutual understanding have flowered in romance. Today Benjamin and Marilyn proclaim their love and commitment to the world, and we gather here to rejoice, with and for them, in the new life they now undertake together. The joy we feel now is a solemn joy, because the act of marriage has many consequences, both social and personal. Marriage requires “love,” a word we often use with vagueness and sentimentality. We may assume that love is some rare and mystical event, when in fact it is our natural state of being.

So what do we mean by love? When we love, we see things other people do not see. We see beneath the surface, to the qualities, which make our beloved special and unique. To see with loving eyes, is to know inner beauty. And to be loved is to be seen, and known, as we are known to no other. One, who loves us, gives us a unique gift: a piece of ourselves, but a piece that only they could give us. We, who love, can look at each other’s life and say, “I touched his life,” or, “I touched her life,” just as an artist might say, “I touched this canvas.” “Those brushstrokes in the comer of this magnificent mural, those are mine. I was a part of this life, and it is a part of me.”

Marriage is to belong to each other through a unique and diverse collaboration, like two threads crossing in different directions, yet weaving one tapestry together. The secret of love and marriage is similar to that of religion itself. It is the emergence of the larger self. It is the finding of one’s life by losing it. Such is the privilege of husband and wife – to be each himself, herself and yet another; to face the world strong, with the courage of two. To make this relationship work, therefore, takes more than love. It takes trust, to know in your hearts that you want only the best for each other. It takes dedication, to stay open to one another, to learn and grow, even when it is difficult to do so. And it takes faith, to go forward together without knowing what the future holds for you both. While love is our natural state of being, these other qualities are not as easy to come by. They are not a destination, but a journey.

The true art of married life is in this an inner spiritual journey. It is a mutual enrichment, a give and take between two personalities, a mingling of two endowments, which diminishes neither, but enhances both.

Benjamin, you may offer your vows and the ring that symbolizes them to Marilyn now:

BENJAMIN: What have I to give to you, Marilyn? The promise to take you as my only love from this day forward, to stand by your side, to listen when you speak, to comfort you when you cry, and to join your laughter with my own. Take this ring and be my wife from this day forward.

Marilyn, you may offer your vows and the ring that symbolizes them to Benjamin now:

MARILYN: I used to be afraid of falling in love, of giving my heart away. How could I trust a man to love me, to give to me all I wanted to give to him? Benjamin, when I met you, I realized how much we could share together. You have renewed my life. You have blessed me with hope. You have opened my heart and my love again to the infinite possibilities of our life together. Today we stand together in front of our family, friends, and our loved ones; I join my life to yours without fear or trepidation. Come what may, the Heavens will always guide me back home to you. Take this ring and be my husband from this day forward.

You are now taking into your care and keeping the happiness of the one person in the entire world whom you love best. You are adding to your life not only the affection of each other, but also the companionship and blessing of a deep trust as well. You are agreeing to share strength, responsibilities and to share love and respect. If this is your commitment, then say:

I welcome you into my life as the companion of my days and nights.

If this is your commitment, you may now seal your vows with a kiss.

KISS WOOHOO!

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you, the new and improved: Mr. and Mrs. Stotler!

A random radical woman is lovable as she is.

She craves “I” hugs instead of “A” hugs.

The kind where she hugs you until you feel her pulse

but not long enough to become awkward.

She has a tender heart for jagged edges worn smooth

polished into good memories of bad decisions.

She loves random conversations that high dive

deep into the humanity of ones character

fearlessly raw with scars of warriors victory

or dark with the ashes of the charred Phoenix

She loves to reach deeply into social culture

tasting the air of festive debauchery or meditating wholly

Surfing the climatic waves of intense concentrations

Splashing musical colors over every participant

I know you are grieving. You are heartbroken.

Are you breathing? Are you praying by holy token*?

Have you inhaled the violent sky? Beat fists upon your breast?

That which turned your lover’s eye: disintegrated; dust to dust.

*Any gift of prayer is a token.

At the edge of my bed,

I sit next to my altar,

Head bowed to read the labels

I begin my prayer of good health

Body: To omeprazole, Atorvastatin, Effexor, naproxen, trazodone, prazosin.

I eat the blood from my hands

Offering up body parts

To the lowest bidder at the highest cost

Blood:

And here I stab myself with sugary revelation

I used to pep talk myself

That tomorrow will be another

Just a little pinch

Asks:

Shaking hands fearful heart

Panicked requests

Just every day without justice

We fight in the sewers and streets

Our blood runs on emergency room sheets

Save us! Redeem us! Grant us life!

But their god makes them blind

To badges of regrettable illness or injury

Umbilically attached to our wrists

Half a handcuff for only falling ill

A paper sign with handwritten letters OUT OF SERVICE tacked to your record

“I have not died. I am not dead. As long as you remember me and tell my stories, I will be immortal. I am one with you now. I am the energy you need to get through this. I am the power that warms the sun. I am the winds that blow through your hair. I am the very water that you drink. We are all moving together through this Universe, one journey at a time and I have not forgotten your love for me. You are my voice now, but I will speak though your acts of kindness and love, acceptance and encouragement. I have not died. I am not dead. I am now as the breath of God.”