Tag Archives: communication

Expectations and the Pedestal

I used to have a friend that was constantly three hours late for everything except work. The fact that she worked two or three jobs at a time made some of the tardiness excusable. But after a while, we had to adjust our scheduling as a group to accommodate this. If the event started at 7PM, we’d tell her it started at 5PM and she’d show up fashionably late. It was a running joke for a while, but tardiness bothers me when it’s repeatedly done. To me, it says, “My time is far more important that you are. I’ll get there when I get there and you’ll just have to deal with it.” Now, I know that’s not how the thought process works, but it felt that way.

We all have those people that hang on our periphery that just don’t quite make the inner circle. It’s not that they’re bad people, per se, just that they may have habits or ideals that don’t quite fit with our own. Maybe they’re disrespectful of your time by being perpetually late or they find the bottom of a bottle far more interesting than taking care of their children. Whatever the reason, they are still called a friend, but aren’t close enough in our emotional commitment to be able to stop by any time. Cull the herd. It is unnecessary to hold on to people just because you worked with them 15 years ago. Letting them go doesn’t mean a confrontation, just a silent goodbye and an unanswered phone call. It’s okay to allow that relationship to organically decompose.

But what about family members? Those are far more tricky to deal with because of the blood-kin ideal that family is family. Remember, at least the black sheep is an honest hypocrite. We all know at least one that is of questionable views on the world (I push that boundary so I labeled myself the dark gray sheep), but even if they aren’t living life like everybody else tells them they should, they’re making their own choices.

It is my opinion that loving them does not mean enabling them, criticizing, or judging their every action, but realizing that they might not be ready for the kind of love you have to give. Being supportive doesn’t mean that you have to rush to get them whenever they fall down, it means listening when they talk to you about their own wants and desires.

I’ve recently had to relearn this. It was extraordinarily painful because the person in question was throwing out thousands of dollars to the lowest bidder, giving away a free education, and walking around in a drug induced haze while doing nothing to further his life. I was furious with the choices he was making. No matter what I said or did, he kept making the worst possible choices in my eyes. But my tactics weren’t working and it was driving a massive wedge between us. Communication had broken down to the point of stony silences and terse comments. Something had to give.

I took away all expectations and started from scratch. Chores have to be done on these days because that contributes to the family. Three days a week. Daily stuff included being respectful, not using at my house, and sharing responsibility for our four legged friends. I made that change three weeks ago. Things have become our normal at our house. We joke and laugh. We all seem to be happier. When I removed the expectations about his life and kept them to expectations of family responsibilities, it worked out a lot better overall.

Relationships are complicated enough without, what I call, THE PEDESTAL! When we place expectations on other people to say, behave, or be a certain way, we set ourselves up for major disappointments, resentment, anger, frustration, and confrontations. I have to ask myself this question, “Is this them being a human or is this them being a jerk to me?” It helps me narrow down the field and realize that my perception of them is skewed by my idea of who they are or should be in my mind. With practice, it becomes easier to let them be who they are without making them justify every move or action.

I don’t claim to be an expert, but I have found that culling the herd, communication, taking the pedestal out from under them, and living my own life has made a dramatic difference in my happiness level.

ABC’s of Rebuilding a Relationship

or put that fire out

Lighting the bridge of forgiveness

There’s a person in your life or your ex-life that you just can’t shake. A person that is missed so much that whatever drove you apart sits on your back like a bag of bricks. Perhaps you’ve tried to set that bag down and leave it without unpacking the contents but by some weird irony it’s still attached to your weight slumped shoulders from the burden of things left unsaid.

Is that relationship toxic? If so, then perhaps reading this article will help you set those bricks down and walk away.
http://theanjananetwork.net/2014/03/27/say-goodbye-ending-toxic-friendships/

However, if that relationship is not toxic, but instead requires your attention to make reparations like this article demonstrates:
http://theanjananetwork.net/2014/03/26/persephone-and-demeter/

Then how do you go about making that happen? How do you go from no contact to tentative conversation when time has elapsed and perhaps caused a Grand Canyon sized hole in your heart? It can be done with time, patience, compassion, and forgiveness.

  •  Admit you started the fire to burn the bridge: One of the hardest things is to admit to yourself is when you’ve done somebody wrong. It’s easy to lay the blame at their feet because after all they’re the ones that caused your anger and your release of the relationship in the first place. But sometimes that’s a lie we tell ourselves to keep from being responsible for our own actions. It’s a reflection of our not so shining moments. Try it on. I made a mistake that wrecked a relationship. Take responsibility for your error.
  •  Build a new bridge: Reach out to the person via text, email, phone call, sky-writing, blog post or any other way to let them know you’re willing to speak with them (I asked my brother to mediate). If they are receptive, apologize for what you did or said wrong. Leave expectations on the floor because sometimes the wound you’ve caused can run so deeply that there may be rejection or disbelief of your intentions. Remember to not just speak the words but act appropriately. You’re asking for a new relationship which means you’re approaching them not as the former person, but as you are right now.
  •  Compassion for yourself and the new relationship: The old wounds will be there. They may be scabbed over or even scarred, but they will be there. Realize that when you look at those with compassion in your heart, they fade after time. Think of it as falling in love with that person’s current self and from the point you’ve come to in the realization that this relationship is worth it. History can’t be changed, only the right now is important. Be gentle with yourself and their feelings.
  •  Dissolve anger, pride, and resentment: Holding on to anger is that bag of bricks that weighs your spirit down. Realize that you reacted or acted in a very human manner. Your feelings of resentment about their prompting actions or because of their absence from your life because of your choice have no place in the new relationship you’re attempting to re-establish. The pride that kept you from making the reconnection before needs to find the humbleness of release. Feel the emotions, but don’t hold them. Allow them to dissipate.
  •  Evolve your view of the person you harmed: Are you the same person you were when you cut the relationship from your life? Of course not. They aren’t either. Meet them as if for the first time, because technically, you are. Get to know their current self because what you remember may (or truthfully, may not) be accurate. Anger changes the color of memories to murky depths instead of embracing the current vibrancy of now. This is a new day and a new relationship based on time passing. Let them be who they are now, not how you remember them.
  •  Forgive yourself and the other person: This one can prove difficult depending on the circumstances of the separation. By setting down your feelings from the past and allowing things to be as they are, forgiveness is not far behind. Forgiveness helps us to see things clearly again. It wipes the slate clean even if the faint outline of the transgression can still be seen, it’s no longer the focus of the relationship. The focus shifts to rebuilding instead of rehashing.
  •  Give love willingly: What if the person you’re reaching out to rejects your attempt at reconciliation? What if they don’t want anything to do with you or your efforts to rebuild? Love them anyway. Just because you’re ready to re-establish a relationship doesn’t mean they are or ever will be. Love them anyway. If they are willing, then don’t be afraid to let them get to know you as you are now. Your personal growth has brought you to a point where you realize the value of what you’ve been missing. Let them see that. Allow the vulnerability of love to fill in those parts, whether rejected or accepted. Love them. Love yourself. Let it be organically grown from your heart no matter their response.
  •  Healthy Communication: Be honest with yourself and the person you’re re-establishing a relationship with. Speak from your heart while listening to their spirit. There is nothing more satisfying than accepting one another exactly as you and they are. You don’t have to be a “Yes, ma’am/Yes, sir” kind of person when you disagree with them, but allowing yourself to communicate your own wants and needs, you’re establishing grounds for them to do the same. It builds trust, balance, and reinforces your sincerity.

Great things can take time to build or rebuild. The patience you offer while putting the relationship back in order pays off by giving you what you seek should they be willing. At the very least it will give you closure, understanding, or a clear picture of what could have been. But it can also give you the opportunity to forgive your younger self of the follies of poor choices. Although there is no guarantee that the other person will be receptive to your outreach, discovering that you can set down that bag of bricks is totally worth it.