Mystory

I have lived among the sinners

I have loved among the saints

I have stood my ground for justice

I have been someone I ain’t.

I have dreamed of life’s Utopia

I have painted with the paints

I have danced upon the shores

I have exulted with my haints.

I have embraced my demons

I have laughed without constraint

I have juggled every season’s wheel

I have made joy and love acquaint

The Sparrow

I thought I was a sparrow

insignificant, common, abnormal,

I saw others the same way

insignificant, common, abnormal

But my vision shifted slightly askew

insignificant, common, normal

I accept that I am the sparrow

but I am anything but

insignificant, common, abnormal

I am proud to be a sparrow

significant, rare, and surprisingly normal.

TAMP: Linda Looney speaks

She commonly licks her lips, clisp

She says, “So…and…clisp, but, clisp…whatever, clisp breathes

You know, so, clisp, we were going to use the taxes for a television.

uh…uh… clisp

necessity, oh shit! clisp…anyway, yeah-uh

clisp, I love you too, clisp, so anyway.

She giggles and sings “I do it my way!”

I have to take my pills

and set the coffee pot. clisp

Oh crap! My mind is going.”

She genuinely chuckles, clisp

Buh-bye Dear.

(I hear the capital letter of the Dear)

LATP: February 2021

It’s been a year since I walked out of my house and into my life.

Before I moved down here to Tennessee, I had no idea what in the world I was doing. I found myself scrounging for attention from friends and family alike. I became like a neglected child. I behaved like one. I withdrew, became angry with myself which caused a downward spiral https://maremartell.com/2019/09/04/wrong-door-right-place/. But then this https://maremartell.com/2020/10/21/life-at-this-point-latp/ happened,

I went down for a visit at my friend’s invitation. I spent the next few weeks dealing with laughter, love, joy, friendship, and light. Even with the loss of a young friend that I’d known for many years, I felt baptized, renewed, invigorated, but most of all, I figured out how unhappy I was living in a house where love used to live. I started to question where I was in my life.

I was at my house in Michigan for three days when I decided I couldn’t do it. I told my husband I was moving back to TN at the beginning of February. By February 22nd, I’d moved into the cutest little house. I took a deep breath and dove into the current. I decided that no matter where the river flowed, I wasn’t going to get stuck in a calm pond. I NEEDED to be with the flow of energy I experienced around my spiritual community and deep friendships I’d formed. I’ve hit some rocks, but I’m still loving the life I’m living.

I’m happy helping people. I started working as a Personal Care Assistant immediately upon arrival and have yet to find something I like doing better. Except maybe being a EOL Death Doula. Yes, I’m still interested in that. It’s currently cost prohibitive for me to make the tuition of either of the programs I’m considering. I want to at least be certified by INELDA or the University of Vermont (non-credited course). https://www.inelda.org/certifications/ or /https://learn.uvm.edu/program/end-of-life-doula-at-uvm/end-of-life-doula-certificate/

It’s a pipe dream of mine. I have no choice but to create my own life. Honestly, I waited for there to be more for a long time. I didn’t believe people when they said I could make my own choices. I thought there must be a catch or something. I dared not hope for any better than I settled for. I had to heed the wisdom of those I KNEW loved me and wanted nothing but the best for me. I was encouraged to explore the world again. If I would have realized how unhappy I was, I’d have made the choice to leave sooner rather than six years into an emotional drought.

But even as I write this, I’m thinking of tomorrows working schedule and how very happy I am that I jumped into the river of discomfort and found my life again; Waiting where I’d left off believing in myself.