Category Archives: Notes to Self

I’m getting a divorce

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I met ‘em when I was 18 years old. I was in the backseat of Paul’s car laughing and drinking Jack Daniels chased by Southern Comfort. When you were offered to me, it just felt like the right thing to do. I mean, my friends and I were all sharing while singing out loud to songs promised at the concert we were heading down to Kalamazoo to witness up close and personal. I thought, “What the heck?”

I didn’t like you much, to be honest, but you kept pushing towards me with a tenacity that only lover’s know. I embraced you and for a while, we loved each other passionately, fully, and without remorse or thought of consequence.

We’ve been together for over half of my life. Twenty-eight years collectively where you have stood beside me as my pal, my buddy, my emotional rock, my shame and guilt. For twenty-eight years I’ve allowed myself to return to you time and again despite your abuse. Despite the way you take my breath away, and I don’t mean in a good way. I cling to you as a drowning man to a life raft. I run to you, no matter the occasion.

I know exactly how you’ll touch my body, move my emotions, and comfort me when I’m upset. I am hyper-aware of your indifference to my wandering eye because you know you’re my Master. You know I’m your slave. You know that I will give up everything I have if it meant being in your presence for just a little bit longer.

When we are in the honeymoon phase of our relationship, I can enjoy your company like an old friend being reunited with me. We laugh and joke. We carry on stories of “Do you remember when…?” And I love you for those. My emotional attachment to you soothes my body and my brain. You tell me everything is going to be all right as long as you’re with me. I let you stay far too long because I depend on your gratuitous being to cope with daily life.

But we have a problem. I’m no longer in love with you. I’m embarrassed that you show up at social events. I’m embarrassed that you dominate me into humiliating positions where I have to hide my shameful love/hate for you in public. I find myself apologizing for you before we’re even together.

We’ve been married longer than all four of my recognized wedded times. I realize, however, that perhaps, it’s time for us to go our separate ways for good. You see, I’m stealing love from my life with our relationship. My loving husband said, “I wish there was something I could say that would make you give up this relationship like there was when I asked you to wear your seat belt. I’m getting robbed of time with you because of that.” He’s right and I feel ashamed.

My husband sees me cheat on him every day and because of my long-term relationship with you, I’ve not had an interest in changing anything. Which isn’t entirely true, I’m a slave to a master that calls me when I’m uncomfortable, bored, upset, or need a break. But my love for my legally wedded husband is stronger than my relationship with you.

I want a divorce. I want you to leave and never return. You are not valued, you devalue. You are not comfort, you are shame. You are not a stress reliever, you’re an abuser, like me. You are not special, you’re the butt of every joke. You’re not welcome any more to go with me to restaurants, clubs, cars, homes, or anywhere else. You’re just not okay and I am not going to give in to the lies you tell me about how much you love me. You hurt me and I let you. You control me and I don’t like that. I don’t want you ruining any more of my life than I’ve allowed you to already.

I’m not 18 or immortal anymore and you need to understand that. I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of damage I’ve allowed you to do to me. I, truthfully, hope the only thing you leave with me is the memory of my own allowed self-inflicted version of a slow suicide that I’m aware of in my life.

I am sending you packing, cigarettes. Butt out of my life. You can’t blow your smoke screen around me anymore. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust get ye out of my life you must! You must!

P.S. June 7th is the birthday of the friend that introduced me to my own self destruction. I was no coerced, but it seems poetic to choose that day as the day I officially divorce myself from that habit.

Notes to myself

Here are some things I jot down so I don’t forget them:

  • May 10, 2014: I overheard the phrase clever flaws. It brought to mind an odd coagulation of things perceived as character flaws that somehow work together to make an interesting human. I have one such friend that is as fiery as can be, extremely capable of defending herself both verbally, intellectually, and physically. She’s beautiful, wicked smart, compassionate, strong, and brilliantly alive. Cleverly flawed and perfectly human.
  • May 7, 2014: She’s put a rock on that relationship. It means to put a gravestone on a bad relationship of any sort and put it to rest. It no longer serves a purpose in one’s life. It’s kapoots, over, finished, never again.
  • May 7, 2014: “My once fire colored hair has turned to smoke and ash.” My 19 year old son was pondering what he will look like when he’s old. I found it extremely vivid in the imagery.
  • May 6, 2014: Two Haiku’s I wrote for a friend of mine:

Haiku Number One

The worst thing she’s done

Stabbed fiery into her life

Creating Success

Haiku Number Two

Exclamation point!

Set free without a whisper

an explosion, loved

  • April 24, 2014: Crystal Beeler was getting ready for work while I sat on the edge of her tub watching her straighten her hair. We were talking about things that were happening in her life, things she wanted to do. Somehow she opened her mouth and rainbows and unicorns started dancing. That’s a lie. What isn’t a lie is that she said, “The problem with people is that we’re looking at everyone’s front door from our bone filled closets.”
  • March 11, 2014: Want to make your own body wash? 5 cups of water, 3 bars of any soap finely grated, melt together in a pot until the soap is dissolved, allow to cool a bit, put in jars and use at will. My sister-in-heart Shannon Looney gave me this recipe and I love it.
  • February 9, 2014: “Indigo Children are those who have seen and remember the face of God.” I’m not sure where I heard that or maybe read that, but I am an Indigo Child, so I found it interesting. I haven’t decided whether or not this applies to me in the way it’s worded which is why I saved it so I could simmer the thought on my back burner where I put many of my deep questions I like to think about as well as the not so deep.
  • January 20, 2014: “Some days my hands look so old that I have to imagine youth weaving power back between and around my fingers like warm mittens and wedding rings.”
  • January 20, 2014: There is an incredible woman named Lady Astarte that lives in Knoxville, TN. Whenever I get to be around her, which has become quite a bit less frequent than I’d like, we always experience whales of laughter and hurricanes of words that build up incredible energy. She’s one of my favorite people.
  • November 3, 2013: An idea I had for a country song: Barbeque buddies and back-door neighbors
  • October 12, 2013: For some reason I have the definition of vulgar. “vul-gar Pronunciation: VUHL-gur\ Function: adjective Etymology: Middle English, from Latin vulgaris of the mob, vulgar, from volgus, vulgus mob, common people Date: 14th century 1a: generally used, applied, or accepted b: understood in or having the ordinary sense (they reject the vulgar conception of miracle — W.R. Inge) of or relating to the common people: plebeian b: generally current: public (the vulgar opinion of that time) c: of the usual or typical, or ordinary kind 4a: lacking in cultivation, perception, or taste : coarse b: morally crude, undeveloped, or unregenerate: gross c: ostentatious or excessive in expenditure or display: pretentious 5a: offensive in language: earthy b: lewdly or profanely indecent Synonyms: Common or Coarse
  • October 6, 2013: “Uniqueness is inherent beauty.” From the television show “Bones” Do not underestimate the power of your experiences that alter and/or enhance this uniqueness. Spirit and body combine to create a fantastic array of lovely, valid, worthy persona. “We seldom think of what we have but always what we lack.”
  • October 3, 2013: You can live under my willow tree. There’s always room for you; always a vacancy.
  • September 24, 2013: You know da po-po when you po’ po’. They keep the bros and hos from go’in loco in da hood when they up to no good, shut ’em down.
  • September 20, 2013: Kiss me until I’m stupid
  • September 11, 2013: Phrases, phases, pens and pages
  • June 28, 2013: Country song idea for chorus: written in Nashville, TN with Lyle Hoskin while watching people enter The Grand Ol’ Opry for the evening show:

Cowboy boots and the itty-bitty skirts,

tight blue jeans and the red plaid shirts,

we’re red-necks

drinkin’ long necks

raisin’ hell like your mama warned you about

Scream, “YEEHAW!”

We’re from the South ya’ll

Raise ’em up! And drink ’em down.

  • June 6, 2013: “You feel and find the significance of life.”
  • April 21, 2013: Turquoise, pumpkin, lemon <– three of my favorite colors
  • March 30, 2013: “I heard a bird sing every word within her repertoire, Many verses that she sang for she had traveled far.

If you keep notes, share a couple in the comments. I’m interested in your thoughts.