Discover Mare Martell

08/04 :  Years ago...

   I believed that the world was a just and fair place. I believed that if you loved enough things would work out. I believed that if you put your best foot forward that things would just happen with ease. But over the years I became cynical, angry, and frustrated because that isn't how the world works. However, in the back of my mind, I always hoped that there would be some sort of sense to the Universe.

In 1995 I had a monumental year. Everything that could go wrong did. From the loss of my son, the murder of my dear friend, and the disintegration of my seven year marriage, it just didn't fit me. I struggled with heavy depression. I moved back to Michigan from Indiana to live with my paternal Gram.

I began dating a man that I'd known forever and a day that betrayed my trust and goodwill. I began dating yet another man and married him in 1998 only to divorce him in 2000 after many months of being separated. I didn't give up hope in finding true love. I met still another man that I was certain was the one. I felt so happy and in love that I saw myself getting older with him. Between the two of us, we failed to meet that dream after experiencing a move and the loss of our daughter through a failed adoption.

Through all of this, I dreamed many things. I dreamed of a love that would prove that I could be successful in the marriage game. I dreamed of having a relationship with my father that I barely knew. I wanted a place to call my own, friends surrounding me with laughter, and children to raise.

I got lucky when I met my husband. I've been with him for five years now and I can't believe how lucky I am. I've been married to him for two of those years. I finally understand what it's like to be so loved and to love so much. It makes me a bit sad that I didn't know then what I know now. I could have saved everyone, including myself, a lot of heartache. But that wasn't meant to be. What is done is done. I hold no animosity towards those that came before the love of my life. Things happened the way they were meant to happen.

I moved to Tennessee from Arizona to be closer to my father who is very sick (in more ways that one). At first it was like my past marriages. Everything was just dang dandy. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do for him. He was joyful, laughing, and fun to be around. Then he decided, for some reason, even though we helped him out financially, with physical chores, and with a deadbeat that lived in his garage, that I wasn't worthy. He quit joking. He started getting mad at the littlest things. He became unpleasant.

In the center of all his unhappiness was a little boy of twelve. He was commonly neglected and left to his own devices. The television was his best friend. This was the same little boy that I was supposed to have adopted with my first husband. This was a child that struggled with school work by himself until we arrived. We fought sometimes, but nothing out of the ordinary. The key factor was that my father would agree with me about what should be done then back down the moment Matt objected. Matt was left to do as he pleased.

Right now, in my life, I have my dreams at hand. The only thing missing is the house to call our own so that my husband and "son" and I can live the fairytale I knew existed even if I didn't believe. Who knows what tomorrow may bring? Who knows what I'll have to conquer next? Until I cross that bridge, I'm going to walk down this road I'm on with bluebirds and butterflies dancing in the air beside me.