Discover Mare Martell

01/04 :  Part 5,000,003

   I went to court yesterday at 8AM. We went in front of the judge and he decided that we all had to have a meeting regarding Matthew's home placement. By the time we'd got done with the meeting where there were several concerns addressed, it was 11AM. We had to reconvene for the afternoon session at 1:30. I went home and on the way there my scooter blew a seal.

Anyway, I called Ben and explained that I had to be to court again and that I needed to get there. He was at lunch and chucked it as he came to deliver the car. I returned to court and we waited forever. I spent time telling stories and jokes to Matthew to help relax him.

While we were in court, there were several issues addressed that had been swept under the rug. I WAS able to be the warrior's voice I needed to be for Matthew. After some hemming and hawing, the judge placed Matthew in my temporary emergency custody which will be "upgraded" to temporary custody after the home study is completed.

The case worker came over to my house last night and did the study. She said that she would never allow anyone to walk into her house unannounced like that. I responded with, "If you see my house at it's worst and still feel it's a better place for Matthew, then I'm ahead of the game." We passed.

Before my dad left after court, he hugged Matt and Matt started to cry. He walked outside with dad and they talked a bit before my dad actually drove away. We got the order and started to drive home. Matt had tears pouring down his face and he felt the need to apologize. He then confessed that he couldn't remember the last time dad had hugged him. He kept crying. I stroked his hair and let him. I hate that he's hurting, but this pain is a lot more tangible than what he's lived with for years.

I had to go to the store to get him toiletries because he came to our home with the clothes on his back. He wasn't sure what he wanted. Decisions were very difficult for him to make. He did choose an Axe body set, a pink pouf (His choice, I swear), a pink toothbrush (I couldn't make this up), some pajama shorts, and some snacks and soda. He seemed really confused when I asked him what he'd like me to make for dinner. He decided that whatever would be okay.

When we got home, he lined up all his new body gear on the shelf in his room. He seemed okay. I let him unwind, probably a bit later than I should have, then he brushed his teeth and went to bed. I was waiting for his clothes to wash when I heard sniffles from behind his closed door. I brought him tissues and asked if he wanted to talk about it. He looked up at me with his red-rimmed eyes and said, "I just don't feel like I'm worthy of this." It nearly broke my heart to hear him that sad. He says that he feels sad most of the time. He explains it, "The smile that's on the outside never makes it to the inside." I completely understand that.

Trying to set appointments and such for DHS and the psychiatric care has been very difficult as well. They all assume that the emergency custody comes with full documentation. Jeesh! I don't have his Social security card or his birth certificate. I'm just not sure what to do about that. I'm tapping several resources to see what can be done. I'll update more often now that I actually have something completely interesting. Also, I'll more than likely add another post after this to go into how this feels after 15 years of waiting.