Discover Mare Martell

30/03 :  Part 5,000,002

   My father didn't call me back to tell me when Matthew's court date was so I didn't show up for it. I asked several times and he spoke with me evasively. When I finally did get in touch with him, I asked him how the court case went. He complained that he couldn't pay the court costs so they're combining the tobacco charge with the marijuana charge to ease the pocket book.

I also spoke with Mr. Davis who was Matt's case worker for an in home counseling program that didn't fly. He asked for additional information to be brought forth in the case. I gave him everything I knew to say that was truth. I tried to avoid putting any emotion into it, but I can't say I was very successful. We talked about the sexual abuse, the death of Matt's mother-figure, and many other concerns regarding the care of Matt.

I'm not certain what will transpire tomorrow, but I can only pray that Justice (Yes, with a capital "J") will be done. My father's lackadaisical attitude towards the horrors Matthew has faced must come to an end. I know that DCS, the psychiatric team, my father, Matthew, and myself will be there tomorrow. I pray the judge hears the truth. I hope he uses that truth to act in a responsible manner towards Matthew.

My father is not a monster. He is ignorant of how to deal with real life. It's easier to just sweep it under the rug and pretend that it never happened. He chooses to be ignorant. If he's ignorant of the crime, then he can't be held accountable. Ditto for Val.

For years I blamed my mother and step-dad for not doing enough when I had been molested. I blamed them for not doing more when I finally came forward. I blamed anyone that came near me because it was easier than dealing with the situation. Once I'd finally dealt with the trauma and healed, I still wished that they'd asked the right questions; they being shrinks and my parents. I didn't feel like I had a voice. My behavior was my voice, although an uncertain and foggy rendition. I was not a nice child to be around.

As I become Matthew's voice, I realized several things. One of which is that it wasn't my parent's fault. It wasn't my fault. It was the people who hurt me. They were sick, just as Val is, and followed the illness instead of being an adult. I've forgiven myself for being so small that I couldn't fight back. I've forgiven my mother and step-dad for not doing anything about something they didn't know about until much later. I've forgiven the people who hurt me. I wish for Matthew to be able to heal as much as I have. I hope he can see that it wasn't his fault. I pray that he'll be placed somewhere safe where he can get healthy again.

I realized, also, that the scope of the abuse covers all aspects of life. It doesn't just affect one part. It primarily targets self esteem and self worth which causes a myriad of issues surrounding the ego. In my experience, it causes children to do things so destructive that it is impossible to see the real them anymore. For that, I'm sorry I put my family through it. I was just hell bent in destroying the pain, the voices, the memories, the nightmares, all of it so I could barely function as a human being. I see Matthew doing the exact same thing as I did. He just started younger than I did in masking.

I love my family, despite our distance. I know that many things were done and said. I see that in Matthew. I see the damage that can be wrecked by behaviors that are alien and horrific to witness. I hope that I can somehow make a difference for Matthew by being his voice. I hope that I can, because of my experiences, aid him in his healing. I know people wanted to be there for me but didn't know how to help someone who "ran" so fast. I want to be where Matt can run to. I'm hoping I can.

If things do not go as I hope tomorrow, then I don't know what else can be done. I do not believe that I'll be able to do anymore except for being available to visit him in jail or prison. I worried that I'd have blood on my hands previously, but I do not believe that gentle hands will set him free. I now believe that the only way I can set him free from the prison of indifference is to stand tall with a warrior's voice in my heart and speak the truth. Lady, please give me strength, courage, and the power to accomplish this.